Contradictory Dribble

I have a little bit of a dilemma.
My heart is pulled in two different directions.
One towards an infatuation.
This one is fueled by someone telling me it would be better not to pursue.

My heart is pulled in two different directions.
The other is a more logical choice.
Probably the better choice.
But the pull of being told the other is worse heightens my senses.

I don't want a quick fix.
I don't want to dive into a cute face and know that it is meaningless.
I want something that has some substance.
I want it to call me out on my shit.
I want it to love me despite my tendencies to be in my head most of the time.
I want something that loves the creator as much as I do.

If you haven't figured it out by now, this is about a topic I have a hard time talking about.
One that feels great and miserable.
One that severs my head and builds up my heart.
One that doesn't pull any punches.
One that has lured me into the ring far too often.
One that has distributed its fair share of knockout punches.

Let's talk about the pain that enters into existence at inopportune times. 
The one that causes the pounding inside of this barren chest.
I try my best to make everything feel alright.
But most of the time I fail. 
And that is perfectly fine.

I want you to know that I am scared to open up again.
To let someone in deeply.
But at the same time, I am a contradiction.
I want to have someone in so badly.

My life continues to grow and propagate.
My heart's capacity to fall in love is lessening at the same time.
I wish I could jump my heart back to life.
I wish the electric current could penetrate and help circulate my blood.
Then, just maybe I would have some clarity again. 

So grab a glass.
Fill it up.
Welcome the contradictions and the pain.
Welcome the love and the pain.

Cheers to the imperfect.
Cheers to the heartache.
Cheers to the broken and the glue that tries to bind us back together.
Lift up the glass, knock it back, and pray for better days.