Category Archives: alone

Morning Sickness

“Every lament is a love song.” ~Switchfoot

He stands on the edge of his mind and his heart.
Largely distracted by what is going on around him, and what is going on inside. 
Which one will win?
He knows, but he doesn't feel like telling and one. 

A morning sickness that has nothing to do with pregnancy.
A sickness developed from opening his eyes and realizing he is alive.
Stricken to his sheets, the ones that feel like home.
For the floor is lava and o scary to venture into alone.

Ducking and diving in and out.
Avoiding the fire that's coming from all around him.
The gun sight is set to his heart and others to his head.
One good shot and everything goes away, from them or even from the one he is carrying.

But the truth is he doesn't want this to be the case.
I don't think any of us really do.
But sometimes this world seems to be too much, and all he wants is to be somewhere else.
With someone who will never forsake him.

He sits alone on the porch that looks out into the yard.
A storm is brewing and the lightening is coming at regular intervals.
The wind picks up and the trees start to sway to the beat.
Clap clap, bang bang, flash flash...boom. 

His funeral is tomorrow and not an eye is dry.
Closed casket in the morning and sandwiches with aunts in the afternoon.
"We should get together more often." They will say.
"What an awful way to get the family together."

Leaving behind the mother and the father.
A part of the world ripped away by one single act.
Friends that loved  him, now on the floor wondering what they could have done better.
Wondering what they could have done to help him fly...

Today is my Birthday

“You say I’m a loser in the background. I can never seem to get it right, but I’m learning my worth is more than your word.” ~Beartooth

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Today is my birthday and I am a bit different than the others around me.
My mentality is a bit stricken when in the presence of people.
A comfortable state that doesn’t come naturally to me.
Like stumbling over words around those that used to care.

On the outside looking in for most of my days,
But I am okay with it now,
But for a time it was all that I could do not to scream at me being me.
As for the now who knows if I have truly moved on?

Insecure and walking through crowds that decide if I am being social enough.
I never felt like gravitating towards a specific side.
Rather longing for long stretches of imagining just who I am.
And failing enough times to last a couple lifetimes.

Failure is not over, I am sure.
For in life you fail.
How you get back up is what truly defines you.
How you act in the face of success could be a bit more telling.

I just wonder if I will one day find out for myself if that is true.
I’ll take my little victories and insecurities.
My typecast role that I fight against.
Or the face that is beautiful but is so far away, even if it is right next to me.

For the meaning of me is the meaning of hope.
A rise to the bottom wondering if I will ever get to the top.
My soul crying out for water that means more than any human soul.
Let me dry out my hands while reaching out.

Today is my birthday, and what do I have to say?
Should I tell of great accomplishments, or just go on with my day.
Should I tell of my angst that still presides since I was 16?
Today is my birthday, and I think I may be worth more than what my mind tells me.

I am a person that justifies myself by a wandering eye.
A hand that I use to reach high and employ to cry out to the other side.
A hand held out to anyone who needs what I wish to have.
And a person I long to be.

For today is my birthday,
And I guess it is a reflective type of day.
My hope anchored in my heart of hearts.
Knowing I have a long road to go.
Knowing that I have those around that remind me that I am not always alone.

When You Realize

“If you could let the pain of the past go, of your soul. None of this is in your control.” ~Switchfoot 
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My soul is thirsty and my heart has been broken.
I am crying out to all the things that I believe will make me whole.
The bottle and the strength of self,
The songs of those not inspired by the True Love.

My soul is thirsty and my heart is broken.
I am fine in the mornings and then it hits as I wake.
A storm eating into the very being of me.
Knowing I am hurt a bit more than the thing that hurt me.

When you put your whole heart into something without God it will not last.
When you try and do it by yourself it will fall apart.
When the thing you are next to is being held onto a little to tight.
When you realize you let your past dictate the way you respond to the present.

All these realizations come in waves.
Yet here I stand still trying to do it on my own.
I need to relinquish control because none of this is actually mine to conduct.
I need to let the pain of my past go away and apply it to the next beauty that comes my way.

For I screwed up.
I was the problem.
I held tight.
Instead of letting myself be guided by the light.

My soul is thirsty and my heart broken.
It seems to be getting better everyday.
I am sorry to say that even Nintendo is not letting me stay happy today.
I need something more and a guiding hand from the One who gave it all.

This world will not do,  especially when it feels I am running from you.
Wondering if they were even ready?
Or if it was completely me?
Because that is my perspective all the way.

Get out.
Get out and leave my head.
Get out and let me raise my hand to thee.
Get out and let me see through eyes that can become clean.

My soul is thirsty and my heart is broken.
Hurting from the possibility that is now lost.
I must look to the Word that was spoken.
For this word is alive and breathing life back into my tired and thirsty soul.

In the end it was short.
But when you believed you have found it…
When you believed your hope was justified.
It hurts like it was a star burning out right before it could be truly bright.

This Ends Now!

Grit your teeth, pull your hair, paint the walls black and scream, ‘F*** the world, cause it’s my life, I’m gonna take it back,’ And never for a second blame yourself. Hold on tight, this ride is a wild one. Make no mistake, the day will come when you can’t cover up what you’ve done. ~All Time Low

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This ends now!

Awhile ago I was scorn and torn.
I was afraid of letting go, when the opportunity for another entered in.
I am drowning in a sea of my own making.
Well,  I vow to put an end to the madness.

This ends now!

Self deprecating humor that is also serious.
Not accepting that I am better than what I tell myself.
I am hurting those around me while I hurt myself.
And I must learn to pray before I open my mouth.

This ends now!

Little red flags pop up all around.
Flags that I produced without even knowing.
I recognize the problem and I fight to overcome.
I need to relinquish control and let my Maker guide my hand.

This ends now!

An apology to the ones that are around me.
An open letter to the answers that are before.
A set rule that I am putting into place.
Where my petty anger will not become my role.

This ends now!

Here it is…
This anxiety is nothing fresh, but the approach to dissipate it must ring new.
An approach that is better than testing.
An approach that brings together what is new and true.

This ends now!

I weep for forgiveness and hope to build from here.
I weep to enter into a new bond that does not equal a bash against myself.
For when I hurt me, I hurt you.
And that my my friend, my love, my family is something I never wish to do.

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It end here!

A god Not Worth Living For

“When they take you on the town
with their designer crowns
they’ll only bring you down.”
~Say Anything~

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~A god Not Worth Living For~

Just look at what you have become.
It is a shell of what you were meant to do.
Just look at how far you flew.
Why would anyone want to be with you?

A riddle set before the human race.
Decisions we make everyday.
What kind of person shall we become?
What is the truth that sets us free.

And here you are proclaiming weed saves.
Selling out your soul to become one with yourself.
Answering the questions just like they want you to.
Set apart has no meaning anymore.

A question that desires an answer.
One that is equal parts pain and hope.
What kind of person shall we become?
What is the truth that sets us free?

Do you like the way you feel when you are alone?
Is it hard to handle the silence?
Does the knot in your chest increase when you stop moving?
It would not surprise me if it hurts when your god runs out.

Running, running further and further.
One more bottle will erase the past.
One more hit to take the pain away.
Running, running, further and further.

I pray one day you will see.
I pray that you can remember who you were meant to be.
Just know you can come to me.
When the world falls through your fingers and you have lost your way to the sea.

What kind of person shall we become?
What is the truth that sets us free?
One more prayer, one more word to say.
No more lies, to mask what we could become today.

A god not to follow.
A God to follow.
What is today?
Is it worth it to go the other way?

What is This Knocking?

“We won’t stand for a facade.”
                               ~Say Anything

~What is This Knocking?~

My door is closed.
I have no intention to open this door.
Shut to the outsider,
Shut to the people around me.
Friends that try, fail.
Lovers who try, don’t make it to the door.
I have been burned before.
I have felt the sting that comes with friendship.
Surface level friendship is not friendship at all.
The real me longing for more than a smile and a hello.
Craving love more than food.
And hoping that one day I will open the door.
What is this knocking?
Who made it this far?
It continues.
It perseveres.
My door is closed.
And I have made myself alone.
Trying to love.
Trying for more.
A shut door is not a policy that works at all.
The real me has no chance to be, if I do not say hello to love.
Craving love more than this world.
And hoping for hope to open the door.
I am alone.
I am…
Where is the I Am…?
I am retreating back.
Beyond the darkness…I am.
There it is again.
That knock.
Again…again…
Should I go…go and maybe not be alone?
For surface level friendship is not friendship at all.
A shut door is not a policy that works at all.
Craving the I Am…and knowing that the knocking is from Love.
Hand on the knob…a creak…a light…
Hello…

It is Going to Be Okay

“The Devil will proudly pay your way to Hell.”

                                       ~Pastor Kenneth Martin

It is Going to Be Okay

The world is alone.
It is alone in the dark.
Discovered and created in light.
But now tarnished and washed over by onyx and shadows.
The powers that be, and the governments are bathed in dark.
People revel in the black and their hope is in themselves.
They do not see the small light in the distance.
The one that will become brighter the more you pray and believe.
History is being manipulated.
Prayer is being forced out.
Prayer comes back during a crisis, but dies with the passing of time.
History is what the media makes it, not what has happened.
Do not be deceived.
That light can still be obtained.
Even when you have been taken away.
Even when the society makes this soil look better than the Lords.
Faith is not always convenient.
Faith will put you at odds with this soil.
We do not belong on this land.,
We are living as immigrants tilling this land until we are brought home.
Absolutes are poison to the ears of this world.
God is not relative, He is absolute.
Commandments are meant to be followed.
Commandments are meant to be obeyed and not taken as a suggestion.
One step closer to the end.
Once step closer to understanding why we hope in spite of the pain.
One step closer to finding out why we pray.
One step closer to the healing call.
This world is alone.
It is bleak in its pleasures.
Do not be deceived by what they say you need.
This world is lonely.
And it is okay when you understand your family is in the Lord.
And it is in others who love Him . . . like me.