Tag Archives: life

Today is my Birthday

“You say I’m a loser in the background. I can never seem to get it right, but I’m learning my worth is more than your word.” ~Beartooth

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Today is my birthday and I am a bit different than the others around me.
My mentality is a bit stricken when in the presence of people.
A comfortable state that doesn’t come naturally to me.
Like stumbling over words around those that used to care.

On the outside looking in for most of my days,
But I am okay with it now,
But for a time it was all that I could do not to scream at me being me.
As for the now who knows if I have truly moved on?

Insecure and walking through crowds that decide if I am being social enough.
I never felt like gravitating towards a specific side.
Rather longing for long stretches of imagining just who I am.
And failing enough times to last a couple lifetimes.

Failure is not over, I am sure.
For in life you fail.
How you get back up is what truly defines you.
How you act in the face of success could be a bit more telling.

I just wonder if I will one day find out for myself if that is true.
I’ll take my little victories and insecurities.
My typecast role that I fight against.
Or the face that is beautiful but is so far away, even if it is right next to me.

For the meaning of me is the meaning of hope.
A rise to the bottom wondering if I will ever get to the top.
My soul crying out for water that means more than any human soul.
Let me dry out my hands while reaching out.

Today is my birthday, and what do I have to say?
Should I tell of great accomplishments, or just go on with my day.
Should I tell of my angst that still presides since I was 16?
Today is my birthday, and I think I may be worth more than what my mind tells me.

I am a person that justifies myself by a wandering eye.
A hand that I use to reach high and employ to cry out to the other side.
A hand held out to anyone who needs what I wish to have.
And a person I long to be.

For today is my birthday,
And I guess it is a reflective type of day.
My hope anchored in my heart of hearts.
Knowing I have a long road to go.
Knowing that I have those around that remind me that I am not always alone.

Easily Offended

See, opinions are easier to swallow than facts. The grays instead of the whites and the blacks. If you shoot it too straight it won’t come back. We’re selling the news.  ~Switchfoot

Waaah!

He’s on track for something beautiful.
A letdown that is described as genius.
Taking out those that offended him today.
But you know… his feelings were hurt because you glanced his way…
So it is okay.

Trudging around and taking names.
Knowing he is part of the group that will live to complain another day.
Thank God a joke was made I have something to get angry at.
Crap, everyone is being so nice, they must be hiding something… time to get upset.

Jumping to conclusions before asking questions.
Knowing answers before letting anyone speak.
This is the way of life for a lot of those around me.
The golden age of technology muddled by disarray.

When the facts are pushed to the side for an answer based on feelings.
Or being tolerant by breaking the others head.
Using the heart to justify all walks of life.
And having no limit on what is considered right.

But you know it is okay.
I’ll keep on living anyway.
Well maybe not,
If they deem my life not to be right…

You know what?
I’ll go on and live despite what they say.
Because I have a right to seek after what I think is right.
Even if it flies into the faces of the easily offended and trite.

 

 

 

I Tried and I Failed (Participation Trophy)

“I’ll fantasize of being manic and leaving us behind. In your eyes, you were the one that tried. Acceptance is what holds us here. Then you my dear are the one I fear tonight.  We’ll try this one more time.” ~Underoath

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He asks questions he thinks deserves to be answered.
Integrating compassion into entropy.
Taking shots at people who would be better off longing for more.
And lacking the maturity to ask questions that may make a semblance of sense.

She walks through life with a splint in her personality.
Happy and sad inhabit the same space.
Depression is a welcoming change of pace.
And lacking the steam to press on when she has a minuscule amount of joy.

Together they form the modern entitlement.
Equal parts apathy and laziness.
Hoping to be discovered from a singular occurrence.
Stepping to the left because it is easier than stepping to the right.

Or maybe the right seems like an easier choice.
I don’t think it matters to the modern consumer.
Where taking it easy looks like the way I am supposed to be.
Instead of failing and learning and not getting that participation trophy.

Not to diminish hard times and face to face lies.
Not to say we are not all a bit lowly.
But today it is easier to wait than try.
When they tell you that it is okay to be not okay.

When hope is diminished to a flame hidden.
And the lights from peoples eyes die so quickly.
The hopeless have better questions than the believer.
When we fight and die in the name of being tolerant to my fellow man.

Just go out and work hard.
Go out and love your fellow man.
Find out who your are and die fighting for it.
Instead of sitting down waiting to be discovered by lying over indulgent agencies..

I don’t want your participation trophy.
I want to earn my rewards, my accomplishments, my chance to have hope and be free.
I don’t care what you think of me.
I choose to carry on and I strive to love despite all the times I wanted to flee.

At least I tried.
Not for a trophy, or for an award.
But to be a better version of who I once was.
To do better and to do good.
To be someone that I always knew I could.

Times of Struggle and Happiness

Philippians 4:6-7 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

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I look to you when I am in the depths.
But for some reason I turn my head when everything is going right.
Why do I deny my precious father when I think I am going so well?
Jesus, I call out to the depths of me.

I call out to thee…

I stretch out my hands in times of need.
But for some reason they are frozen by my side when I believe everything is going right.
Why do I forget to praise you in my time of elation?
Jesus, I call out to the depths of me.

I call out to thee…

Jesus, come and set me free.
Jesus, take this doubt away from me.
In the moments when I feel light headed.
To stretches of happiness.

I call out to thee…

Thank you Lord for understanding.
Because I don’t always understand you.
You are a mystery that decided to love me.
Jesus, come and be my strength.
I call out to thee…

Step One…Choose

“Take me up, seal the door. I don’t want to march here anymore. I realize that this line is dead, so I’ll follow you instead.”  ~Twenty One Pilots

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It begins with an action.
It ends with a thought.
The least of all it could be switched up.
Maybe it would lead to better outcomes.
Quick glances and forgotten smiles pass our lips.
Close and not together.
And the answer could be in either the thought or the action.
Depending on which comes first.
It begins with a smile.
It ends with confusion.
Do we cast ourselves with the net,
Or do we go out and try and swim?
The grandeur that is life is not as big as we think.
It is small and the connections are strong.
And as the start approaches, lives may be changed.
Minds molded by singular events that may not seem noteworthy.
These minuscule events combine into  fleshed out ideas.
These ideas are used for good or for bad.
Maybe there is a gray area thrown in their for kicks and giggles.
But we stand and we fall and we get back up again…most of us.
We could divulge into thoughts with no actions to be seen.
But we are all still in a band.
All of us have a place, but some choose not to play.
And I say, play whether or not it sounds correct.
It is better to play than to sit their wondering if it is okay.
We all need each other.
And even if the awkward is the normal for your life today,
Go forth and play anyway.
A glance and a smile doesn’t seem so bad.
But I will tell you it all comes down to context.
I choose to play the game, the note…
Whether it is correct or not.
I begin everyday with a thought.
While other days it is with an action.
Roll over, open eyes, and continue breathing.
Press forward and pray that God will show you the way.
Step One…choose.

 

Back to Basics

“The background noise makes your voice so hard to hear…And my heart is yours, and what a broken place it’s in. But you’re what I’m running for, and I want to feel the the wind at my back again. Back to the beginning again.”   ~Switchfoot

 

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Strung out on the bathroom floor.
Trying to crawl back to reality.
A stumble that was greeted with a fall.
Why do we do the things we know hurt us the most?

This is life, let’s go back to basics.
In this place where child and adult occupy the same set of rules.
This is living, let’s go back to the basics.
Breathing the same air with those who disagree with you.

Tripping on self pity.
Lighting up to make hardship disappear,or when you know that a bottle will only take the pain away today. 
Or an an image on a screen that meets a physical action, that  numbs you only for a singular moment.
What is it that you are living for?

This life is temporary.
It will only last when we have a grasp on our mortality.
Flesh and blood cannot last.
The car that you love will always crash.

We are in this life.
We are living.
We have thoughts and we have feelings.
A moral crisis between what we need and what we want.

What are you waiting for?
Learn and know that you have a purpose.
This bathroom floor is not your end.
Amber courage doesn’t let you forget forever.

Break the norms of your life.
Realize you are worth more than what you tell yourself.
You are worth more than what they are telling you.
Take heart and be apart of something bigger than you know.

Let’s go back basics.
Back to the original crisis.
Back to you, back to me.

Let’s do this again.
Back to child like glee.
We can come back mortality.

“Cause I struggle with forward motion. We all struggle with forward motion. Cause forward motion is harder than it sound. Well every time I gain some ground I gotta turn myself around.”  ~Relient K

 

 

Being Afraid of God

“If God is smaller than my fears, then He is not God. But it’s not just with our doubts and fears, it’s with so many other areas of our life as well. We think God can’t handle the truth of who we are so we make Him smaller than He really is.” ~Jon Foreman

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You see, I am a man that is scared of God.
I am terrified of His voice.
I decide it is better to be stranded in the dessert than accept the water.
You see, I am fearful but not out of reverence but genuine fear.

That is not to say I do not revere.
He is my creator, my maker.
He is the one that gives me life and meaning.
Yet when I stare Him in the eye I must look away because I am scared what He has to say.

I am so aware of my own humanity that I forget that I have a man who saved me.
At the same time I never forget His love, I am just frightened that He will stop loving me.
Because I have no understanding of why He loves me so.
I am a lowly man that has more vices than good qualities.

I target my prayers to fix what is broken.
I lock onto a subject and ask for the answer instead of worshiping the man, my Savior.
For He is the reason I keep on trying.
Even when I fail and fall flat on the floor.

I try and I try but my way is not the same.
It is not the same as the One who gave it all.
I told you that this ends now, the anxiety, the hurt, and I meant it,
But right now I finally think I am ready to face my fear.

For God I am terrified of you.
I am scared of your love, of your forgiveness, of your loving-kindness.
I am frightened that a God who has no reason to Love me does.
I am so terrified I, but I am ready to look you in the eye and quiet possibly be a better me.

Locked into a different way of thinking for my own is failing me.
God I am on my knees, I am praying for more than an answer.
I am praying for my well being, my death, my resurrection, my reluctance to come to you.
I am a broken man and I know it.

I wish to breathe and to take your hand instead of wanting to drown.
I am too comfortable with my anxiety, my comfort of drowning in this tablespoon of water.
It gives me comfort to know that this pain is my normal.
But here I am Lord laying out before you to take me to a place where I have a comfort other than my own insecurities.

A child reaching out his hand through the thorns.
A child wanting to grow.
A face that senses the fear of the unknown.
A chance to let go and let the faith of the child shine through.