Tag Archives: humanity

Lock and Key

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Sometimes I wonder if it would be better not to live forever.
When death finally takes me to go into nothing.
To find peace in the ending.
Finite and not infinite.

Sometimes I wonder things I shouldn’t.
But I guess that makes me human.
A man.
Flawed, but one day saved.

Sometimes I miss things that would love to find me.
A leech that breaches the edges of my skin.
Sometimes it seems right to give in.
When life feels dull and doing right seems wrong.

Under lock and key is a door to another world.
One where everything I know is flipped.
Where right is left and left is right.
But somehow up is still up and down, down.

The door easily found and the key not hard to find.
To enter is to see differently.
But not necessarily morally.
Sometimes it feels better to be in the dark.

Sometimes I wonder if this is the place where I am meant to be.
Taking refuge in a world that is against what I believe.
Easy, wide, and short.
Quick rewards, and quick thrills.

One that let’s me do all the things my flesh wants to do.
Early expressions with neatly wrapped packages.
Sitting under the lock and decorated with the key.
Oh, God… What is wrong with me?

Sometimes I wonder if it would be better not to live forever.
When death finally takes me to go into nothing.
To find peace in the ending.
Finite and not infinite.

But this feeling usually goes away.
How long it lasts is different day to day.
Sometimes it hurts to stay in the fray.
Especially when you all feel so far away.

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Artwork By: Keighty Rae
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I Tried and I Failed (Participation Trophy)

“I’ll fantasize of being manic and leaving us behind. In your eyes, you were the one that tried. Acceptance is what holds us here. Then you my dear are the one I fear tonight.  We’ll try this one more time.” ~Underoath

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He asks questions he thinks deserves to be answered.
Integrating compassion into entropy.
Taking shots at people who would be better off longing for more.
And lacking the maturity to ask questions that may make a semblance of sense.

She walks through life with a splint in her personality.
Happy and sad inhabit the same space.
Depression is a welcoming change of pace.
And lacking the steam to press on when she has a minuscule amount of joy.

Together they form the modern entitlement.
Equal parts apathy and laziness.
Hoping to be discovered from a singular occurrence.
Stepping to the left because it is easier than stepping to the right.

Or maybe the right seems like an easier choice.
I don’t think it matters to the modern consumer.
Where taking it easy looks like the way I am supposed to be.
Instead of failing and learning and not getting that participation trophy.

Not to diminish hard times and face to face lies.
Not to say we are not all a bit lowly.
But today it is easier to wait than try.
When they tell you that it is okay to be not okay.

When hope is diminished to a flame hidden.
And the lights from peoples eyes die so quickly.
The hopeless have better questions than the believer.
When we fight and die in the name of being tolerant to my fellow man.

Just go out and work hard.
Go out and love your fellow man.
Find out who your are and die fighting for it.
Instead of sitting down waiting to be discovered by lying over indulgent agencies..

I don’t want your participation trophy.
I want to earn my rewards, my accomplishments, my chance to have hope and be free.
I don’t care what you think of me.
I choose to carry on and I strive to love despite all the times I wanted to flee.

At least I tried.
Not for a trophy, or for an award.
But to be a better version of who I once was.
To do better and to do good.
To be someone that I always knew I could.

The Dream that Never Ends

“There is a part in everyday, where I lie to myself and say that it’s okay. ‘Cause if I don’t I think I’ll go insane, but the truth is I only have myself to blame.” ~The Spill Canvas

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I pinch myself to wake up from the dream that I have been dreaming every night and throughout the day.
The one that tells me that I may not be okay.
It is a dream where the protagonist is the antagonist, and the answer is hidden in another’s dream.
For my own is not sufficient these days.

I never wake up and I never let myself try to turn away.
Sleep is the constant that enters in like a poison.
Or goes down in my personal history as a conquering feat of strength.
The normal is never normal and the strange is a little to normal for my taste.

It takes a step backwards to see the path that I have placed myself.
But that path is  not the one that needs to be traveled upon.
The dream to my right, the one I have no control over is the path of love, by Love.
It answers me in my dreams the one that I never seem to wake up from.

Kindness is one side of a coin that I subscribe to.
Disdain is the other side and I don’t wish to flip the coin over.
I wish to throw it in a fountain making a wish that could turn into a prayer.
I wonder what side will be up when it reaches the bottom of the water?

I don’t mean to come off self loathing, but sometimes that is the only way for me to understand what I am even saying.
I would rather come off as hopeful and decide when I need to create a better persona for myself.
But the dreams that are constant do not let me have this luxury.
Maybe I need to take two steps back instead of one, or I need to realize that God has no desire for me to not like me?

Considering that I deserve nothing, but somehow I am loved speaks volumes.
And when the end is in sight since the day I was born, you would think that motivation to do better would come easy.
Sadly this is not the case.
For when I am down the dream withers and shows me the decay of the day.

I pinch myself to wake up from the dream that I have been dreaming every night and throughout the day.
The one that tells me that I may not be okay.
It is a dream where the protagonist is the antagonist, and the answer is hidden in another’s dream.
For my own is not sufficient these days.

“I’m stuck here wide awake in the wake of bad news. We know now what’s at stake, and I’m scared too. You know I can’t take naps cause they end in panic attacks. I can’t play video games cause I always end up depressed… Most days are bad days. We can’t wait for someone to pull me off of the concrete…I can’t believe I got this weak.” ~The Wonder Years

The Man May Need More Sleep

“This long struggle finally opened up my eyes. Revolutions not easy with a Civil War on the inside. No need to hide anymore, can’t return to who I was before. I can finally breathe suddenly alive. I can finally move cause I realized…The world feels revived.” ~Anberlin

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Horrid visions enter into the subconscious mind.
A man who has it all and doesn’t know what to do with it.
A man who decided this world was not worth it.
But he went about it the wrong way.

The mind plays tricks when you rely on what it tells you.
And if you rely solely on the heart it makes your feelings seem that they are the be all.
Vivid dreaming whether or not you go with the head or the heart.
Anger that comes along with the waking morning sun streaming through the window.

Guess what?
I’ve been angry for all the wrong reasons.
When she smiles and offers up an olive branch I get mad and decide to stay away.
Then the dream comes and the fix is nowhere to be seen in this scenario.

The more I sleep the more I can delve into the mind.
While I am awake I see the heart for what it is.
I am not sure what I prefer.
All I know is I wish and pray for this anger to go the way of the sea.

Hello, good friend are you ready to talk?
Hello, good friend are you my enemy now?
Goodbye, best friend I guess you had nothing to say.
Hello, new friend would you like to start again?

The sand of an hourglass does not go on forever.
It must be turned and then the flow of time begins anew.
Whether that sand is purple or blue, I need to turn it before my time runs out.
I must turn it before the alarm goes off in my head and it is time for bed.

So much is passing through my fingers.
And when I do grasp onto something I am not sure what to do with it.
Like a dog chasing his tail my goal sometimes seems pointless.
But other times it is clear, and that usually happens when I look to Him.

Indignation towards my place in life, and not giving credit where credit is due.
Thinking with my feelings and feeling with my mind.
A messed up distortion that craves this pique to survive.
Hands that grip so tight that it forgets to open back up when the time is right.

Hello? God… are you there?
Hello? Love…did you disappear?
Where did you go? Or better yet why do I run when I find you?
Hello? Insecurity…did you…oh, wait you never leave.

Boiling and spilling over.
Dreaming dreams meant for someone else.
Holding onto a feeling that could go to the sea if I had time to breathe.
But six days a week doesn’t let you come up for air long enough to breathe in deep.

The lack of oxygen causes these horrid dreams,
Of a man who has it all yet still doesn’t believe he has a soul.
Wishing to fight an angel, but finding the devil instead.
The man who decided long ago that he is not meant for this world.

Falling down and reaching up at the same time.
Looking for hope in all the wrong places and finding it in the right ones.
A lifelong effort to seek the truth…and looking for more than a feeling of good fortune.
God are you there? Oh, Hello  there you are. Please, I beg of thee…please stay near.

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My Personal Perception Personified By Convictions

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“I was a pharisee. I never saw the need for grace. Then your love came to me, stood next to mine and I saw that I was poor. Show me I was poor, show us we are…glorious. We are glorious not from what good we have done, but from being the least.”  ~As Cities Burn

 

Sunlight hits your cheek, and the glimmer awakens something deep inside of me.
A longing that I never knew existed before.
Well, that is not entirely true.
I have known, and I have seen but I have never believed.

Sunlight graces the edge of a cliff.
The shadow it creates is more beautiful than the light…to me.
It is signifies the stretch of time between then and now.
Before your glimmer equaled more than an anxious feeling.

Take a chance on me and one day God I will fully be more.
Take a chance on me Lord and I will fail you.
Take a chance on me King and I will disappoint.
But if you take a chance on me, I swear I will believe.

Sunlight hits another.
That ends before it even began.
Not a chance to truly develop because I effed that up.
I let the pain of the past come in and take what may.

Sunlight decides to shine on me, and I hate the way it looks me in the eye.
I prefer to be held in a lie.
To take it and nurture it so I can hide from the truth.
The truth that I am worth it, that grace has set me free.

Take a chance on me friend and I will fail you.
Take a chance on me girl and maybe we can help one another.
Take a chance on me good sir and our friendship might blossom into perfect chaos.
But if you take a chance on me know I am all in, and every chance I get I wish to do something for you…not for me.

I sing for my sins.
I sing for my false religion.
I tantalize my being with a song that is not from the One who gave it all.
I am an idolater when I need a bit of a pick me up.

But Jesus I beg of thee…take a chance on me.
Let me be an offering when I run away.
Let my knees buckle when the sunlight reveals the flaws.
Have me weep in an apartment on a Sunday afternoon when it is just you and me.

Sunlight is my enemy, it is my best friend, it is my lover, and my guide.
I run from the sunlight just as much as I run to it.
Comfort from my own understanding, depression caused from my way of thinking.
Sinning and believing, doubting and worshiping.

Baptizing the inter sanctum of my mind’s eye.
A world view taking root before the very nature of life even starts.
I take the wine and the bread to partake in my belief.
And then I look to the ground and try to do it my own way.

Will I ever get a chance to pick a side.
Will the struggle be made plain, so I can actually reach up to Heaven and be wiped clean?
This world is a mine filled travesty, made into a sin woven tapestry.
I do not belong in this place and my body fights that fact every day.

Do you know who I am?!
Do you think I am this mess of a man?
Do you think I have zero intelligence on the subject of my Savior?
Do you know who I am?!

Do I know who I am?!
Do I think I am worth the very air I breathe?
Do I think that there is something better after death?
Do I know who I am?!

I am a man…and this is my personal perception personified by my convictions.
A sin filled life from the start, and a longing to keep on doing it.
When I know that my vices will never let me win.
Yet, I struggle and I call out day after day.
For I am a man, that does not like to go outside when the sun is shining and hoping to play.

I am a man… broken, bitter, loved, saved.
I am just a man…one that has no control, ever since I went down on my knees.
I am not a savior…but I do look to one.
I am a man…flawed, hurt, depressed, anxious.
Yet hope is still there…

The sunlight hits a cheek far away from where I am today.
One day I think I will see.
If I want to be a better me…
I need to answer prayer with prayer and know there is hope that never goes away.

“Burning out my sins until there’s nothing but dust. Holding me with care into your cigarette. Cause the God I believe in never worked on a campaign trail.”    ~Brand New519048855_1280x720

The Reader Turned Author

“So now I’m forging ahead past all the plutocrats who sold me out. Go sob in your bed, if life is twice as pretty once you’re dead. Then send me a card. I’m still the optimist though it is hard, when all you want to be is in a dream.”    ~Say Anything

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I open up this book.
It looks like a good read.
A good cover, old, and full of promise.
The first few pages grip me and I dive in a little further.

One hundred pages in things start to turn.
The pages change and the light that was in my eye begins to fade.
I really wish I could stop reading,
But then I realize this book is my life and I an not the reader but the authror.

A non fiction tale of a boy who wished for the world and received coal.
A story decided by false senses of control.
A story laid out from the middle, to the beginning and then the end.
Thank God the end is always where it is supposed to be.

Disjointed pages make for a difficult read.
Dreams that came true and then failure ensues.
People lost in time and wondering why they had to be killed off for the narrative.
Maybe once I reach the end of the chapter it will make sense.

Of course that is not the case.
Each chapter ends on a cliff hanger.
Your dream fulfilled,
But then you remember that you have more life to live, and you run scared like a little kid.

A funny thing about life is that it keeps on going.
A wonderful thing about life is there is a hope that never lets go of you.
A roller-coaster ride of emotion going up and then down.
A dichotomy between what they say and what makes you run away.

I turn the page and something different catches my eye.
A glimmer at the end of this road.
A little spark that invites even the coldest of hearts to its burning coals.
He starts to run… I start to run towards the brief light that lingers.

As I continue to write and try to reach my full potential
As I run to a hope that for some reason continues to shine through.
As I choose to believe instead of doubt.
Maybe even the middle can be great for a little cynic like me.

But then again even my warmest days lead me astray.
And the cold ones bring me comfort because I stay inside, instead of coming out to play.
I read a bit further and then decide to sit on my hands and read a play.
Maybe the stage directions will give me more insight than this dusty book full of blue and gray.

I’be hidden a note, it’s pressed between pages that you’ve marked to find your way back. It says, ‘Does he ever get the girl?’ But what if the pages stay pressed, the chapters unfinished, the stories too dull to unfold? Does he ever get the girl?”   ~Dashboard Confessional

Wearing Blue (Salt and Fresh Water)

 

“If you wanna leave come to California. Be a freak like me, too. Screw your anonymity. Loving me is all you need, to feel like I do.”  ~Lana Del Rey

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There is a line in the sand that says,
“Answer me kindly and I will tell you the secret of the world.”
The line that defines the time spent between the drinking of wine and spending time,
Gathering decrees that shout out the very faith of a child.

Take a shot at me I probably deserve it.
While I approach the line that the sand has made.
To guide and to kill,
Lead and destroy.

There is a line in the sand that says,
“Answer me kindly and I will tell you the secret of the world.”
The line that decides whether it is okay to move forward.
It joins in on the festivities of birth and decay.

Watch as the beach divulges its secrets.
Where salt water wishes to come out and play,
But the fresh water pushes it back.
The two never touch and the two could become friends.

There is a line on a beach and it is a line that lets only a few pass.
Diving into the ocean grants you peace.
Walking away grants you a wall where you must turn around.
Dichotomy between what we want and what we need.

There is nothing wrong with either body of water.
Both offer the same desire to be a better person.
It comes down to the line and whether or not you are ready for an answer.
And in the end it all boils over and we see that the line never existed.

So what is the truth of the matter?
Do we decide to live or to die?
Are we born into the answer?
Can we maintain a presence when your heart feels like it has been shattered?

There is a line that never existed.
It was drawn inside my dreams.
It is a line that changes its tune every day.
As a child wishes to change what he wants to play.

Do I decide whether it exists?
It usually appears when I am close to someone else.
And it goes away when I have nothing to say.
For the speaking of words is not my forte.

I have no hand to hold,
But I do have a soul to hold onto.
Wearing blue is the only thing that I can do.
When most of my time is spent over analyzing a line that doesn’t even have a name.

“Goodbye the heartache, that’s the only southern part of me. I pack some boxes in the basement and move down the street, and I’ll leave the pirate ships to kids who don’t know anything. Oh, I’ll be every bit the person we both already know I’ll be.” ~Relient K