Tag Archives: alone

Look Up North

“Cause we never learned to keep our voices down. No, we only learned to shout. So we fight our way in, we fight our way out.” ~Dashboard Confessional

shutterstock_106662809

Our hearts are deciding that the weather is the source of sanity.
A moment suspended in time where getting out of bed is harder than quantum mechanics.
The bed grips us and doesn’t want to let go.
Longing for the sun and longing for a strength to open our eyes today.

A God who has the strength to change this position.
A hope that is carried on the backs of those that have fallen before us.
Equal parts sanity and insecurity determine moods during these days.
Masking the pain we feel with happiness and short sighted  fixes.

Just know to fight.
Fight for your joy, fight for your hope.
Don’t ever let go of the person that God made you to be.
A fight against the wave that comes and knocks you down to your knees.

As one of my favorite songs says, “Everybody gets high, everybody gets low.”
Pick yourself up and know you are worth more than your mind will say.
But remember sometimes it is okay to be alone.
And when those times come don’t go into yourself, look up north.

A prayer for the depressed.
A prayer for the crippling effects of anxiety.
We will fight together; we will win.
Take a hand and raise your fist.
We will win this war.

“Everybody gets high, everybody gets low.” ~Beartooth

Advertisements

Morning Sickness

“Every lament is a love song.” ~Switchfoot

He stands on the edge of his mind and his heart.
Largely distracted by what is going on around him, and what is going on inside. 
Which one will win?
He knows, but he doesn't feel like telling and one. 

A morning sickness that has nothing to do with pregnancy.
A sickness developed from opening his eyes and realizing he is alive.
Stricken to his sheets, the ones that feel like home.
For the floor is lava and o scary to venture into alone.

Ducking and diving in and out.
Avoiding the fire that's coming from all around him.
The gun sight is set to his heart and others to his head.
One good shot and everything goes away, from them or even from the one he is carrying.

But the truth is he doesn't want this to be the case.
I don't think any of us really do.
But sometimes this world seems to be too much, and all he wants is to be somewhere else.
With someone who will never forsake him.

He sits alone on the porch that looks out into the yard.
A storm is brewing and the lightening is coming at regular intervals.
The wind picks up and the trees start to sway to the beat.
Clap clap, bang bang, flash flash...boom. 

His funeral is tomorrow and not an eye is dry.
Closed casket in the morning and sandwiches with aunts in the afternoon.
"We should get together more often." They will say.
"What an awful way to get the family together."

Leaving behind the mother and the father.
A part of the world ripped away by one single act.
Friends that loved  him, now on the floor wondering what they could have done better.
Wondering what they could have done to help him fly...

She’s in Love with Chaos

“She was a wreck. but he loved her. She was a wreck, but so was he.” ~Copeland

 

3136696489_ee0d71fe26_z

It looks like a heartache waiting to happen.
When the phone hits the floor and she is left alone.
The other line dead and the voice has stopped.
And the drumming from her head is working harder than her heart.

She’s in love with chaos.
The ups and the downs.
The lefts that are actually rights, her mind begging to be found.
She’s in love with chaos.
The unknown, is the start of her disorganization alone.

Picking up the pieces and moving one.
Going from one phone to another waiting to belong.
Not trying to hard to sing a better song.
All she does is wait for heartache, to become her white and black swan.

She’s in love with chaos.
The deaf tones of awkward lies.
The messed up deliveries of sought after lines.
She’s in love with chaos.
With her mind, taking deep breaths and taking names that she must find.

Sectioned off and in the crowd.
Determined for more than a sour sound.
But not giving it enough effort or follow through.
The choice is hers, even though she’ll never limit herself to a few.

She’s in love with chaos.
The ups and the downs.
The lefts that are actually rights, marked with hearts waiting to be found.
She’s in love with chaos.
Heartbreak brought on, by late night phone calls and luck based falls.

She’s in love with chaos.
And the Lord knows…
That one day maybe her eyes will see the light being shown.
She’s in love with chaos and the rest.
For one moment she breaks and finally passes a test.

A Hopeful Innocence

“I wish the world was flat like the old days, then I could travel just by folding a map. No more airplanes, or speed trains, or freeways. There’d be no distance that could hold us back.”  ~Death Cab for Cutie

 

pexels-photo-131102

When we were young a sunset would be all we needed to be amazed.
The simplicity of the events that unfolded in front of our eyes.
A book being read to us by a parental unit or guardian angel.
An innocence that slowly gets stripped away as we learn what is out there.

I want to keep my innocence,
My alibis that let me glimpse the other side.
I want my eyes to be wide eyed and innocent.
Seeing things as if I was a child, for the very first time.

When we were young everything wasn’t always fine,
But we knew someone would be there to make it better.
A kiss on the knee would make the pain go away.
A blind trust in our nurturer that slowly fades when we realize how this world actually works.

I don’t want to be naive, strung out, stupid, or dumb,
But I want to be innocent set apart, finding joy in the simple things.
Like a smile from a friend when I compliment their hair,
Or a joyful noise celebrating nothing at all but the fact we are in this together.

I want to slowly find my innocence again.
To drive out the cynic and embrace a more rounded view.
One that is not driven by my failures,
But one that revolves around finding the spark that everyone has, but many are hiding.

Laying on my back alone doesn’t have to be sad.
I could look up at the stars and know I am being shined upon.
Even in the loneliness, companionship can be found.
As the stars fall around me and I make a thousand and one wishes for you and for me.

When we were young our motivations were so small.
When we were young our motivations might have actually been bigger than the ones we have today.
When we were young the world seemed so big.
And now as I sit here alone it just feels small.

I want, I want, I want innocence at least one more time.
I wish, I wish, I wish for chances to show that I am not always a cynic.
Hope is the through-line of the stories I tell you.
To have and to hold it can change the world around you.

Grasp onto hope, and let it shine as a beacon into the night.
A lighthouse for my harbor to help you find your way home.
One of these days it will bring somebody in.
For now I have the spark that I have been uncovering slowly, in preparation for the day that it is you and me.

1024px-silhouette_of_ship_at_sea_at_night_near_ketchikan_alaska-_-_nara_-_297805