Category Archives: life

A Dwelling Place

“My heartbeat, my oxygen, my banner, my home, my future, my song, your hope is the anthem of my soul.” ~Switchfoot

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There is more to now than what is coming next.
Or what happened before the moment.
But we dwell on such things instead of wondering what is happening at this present moment.
Answering the questions of the past to try and determine our futures.

It is not wrong to think ahead, or learn from the past.
I encourage it daily.
The problem is sometimes we put more stock into who we are…
And forget to see where we’re at.

The person I am now is not the same as the one before.
Maybe I grew up, maybe I went backwards.
All I know is I am here and I am alive.
I am holding onto the hope that was placed upon my heart.

When I think to hard about what my mind used to call home,
I reject all the good that has happened since.
I retreat to a mindset that I have no desire to revisit.
I am not that person anymore and I need to leave the past where it belongs.

When I try to see passed the next five minutes, I start to see what I have not done.
“I have failed.” I say.
“Why am I single, why is no one there by my side?”
But God has a plan, and right now is where He wants me to be at.

I put too much stock into what I have not done.
I put too much stock into who I have been.
I should be happy with the now.
Happy with the man God has currently shaped me to be.

Thoughts brought on by reality.
Togetherness equals strength.
Family is more than an emotional crutch.
And hope is the desire of the past to the present, and to the future of all that I will do.

Being Afraid of God

“If God is smaller than my fears, then He is not God. But it’s not just with our doubts and fears, it’s with so many other areas of our life as well. We think God can’t handle the truth of who we are so we make Him smaller than He really is.” ~Jon Foreman

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You see, I am a man that is scared of God.
I am terrified of His voice.
I decide it is better to be stranded in the dessert than accept the water.
You see, I am fearful but not out of reverence but genuine fear.

That is not to say I do not revere.
He is my creator, my maker.
He is the one that gives me life and meaning.
Yet when I stare Him in the eye I must look away because I am scared what He has to say.

I am so aware of my own humanity that I forget that I have a man who saved me.
At the same time I never forget His love, I am just frightened that He will stop loving me.
Because I have no understanding of why He loves me so.
I am a lowly man that has more vices than good qualities.

I target my prayers to fix what is broken.
I lock onto a subject and ask for the answer instead of worshiping the man, my Savior.
For He is the reason I keep on trying.
Even when I fail and fall flat on the floor.

I try and I try but my way is not the same.
It is not the same as the One who gave it all.
I told you that this ends now, the anxiety, the hurt, and I meant it,
But right now I finally think I am ready to face my fear.

For God I am terrified of you.
I am scared of your love, of your forgiveness, of your loving-kindness.
I am frightened that a God who has no reason to Love me does.
I am so terrified I, but I am ready to look you in the eye and quiet possibly be a better me.

Locked into a different way of thinking for my own is failing me.
God I am on my knees, I am praying for more than an answer.
I am praying for my well being, my death, my resurrection, my reluctance to come to you.
I am a broken man and I know it.

I wish to breathe and to take your hand instead of wanting to drown.
I am too comfortable with my anxiety, my comfort of drowning in this tablespoon of water.
It gives me comfort to know that this pain is my normal.
But here I am Lord laying out before you to take me to a place where I have a comfort other than my own insecurities.

A child reaching out his hand through the thorns.
A child wanting to grow.
A face that senses the fear of the unknown.
A chance to let go and let the faith of the child shine through.

My Personal Perception Personified By Convictions

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“I was a pharisee. I never saw the need for grace. Then your love came to me, stood next to mine and I saw that I was poor. Show me I was poor, show us we are…glorious. We are glorious not from what good we have done, but from being the least.”  ~As Cities Burn

 

Sunlight hits your cheek, and the glimmer awakens something deep inside of me.
A longing that I never knew existed before.
Well, that is not entirely true.
I have known, and I have seen but I have never believed.

Sunlight graces the edge of a cliff.
The shadow it creates is more beautiful than the light…to me.
It is signifies the stretch of time between then and now.
Before your glimmer equaled more than an anxious feeling.

Take a chance on me and one day God I will fully be more.
Take a chance on me Lord and I will fail you.
Take a chance on me King and I will disappoint.
But if you take a chance on me, I swear I will believe.

Sunlight hits another.
That ends before it even began.
Not a chance to truly develop because I effed that up.
I let the pain of the past come in and take what may.

Sunlight decides to shine on me, and I hate the way it looks me in the eye.
I prefer to be held in a lie.
To take it and nurture it so I can hide from the truth.
The truth that I am worth it, that grace has set me free.

Take a chance on me friend and I will fail you.
Take a chance on me girl and maybe we can help one another.
Take a chance on me good sir and our friendship might blossom into perfect chaos.
But if you take a chance on me know I am all in, and every chance I get I wish to do something for you…not for me.

I sing for my sins.
I sing for my false religion.
I tantalize my being with a song that is not from the One who gave it all.
I am an idolater when I need a bit of a pick me up.

But Jesus I beg of thee…take a chance on me.
Let me be an offering when I run away.
Let my knees buckle when the sunlight reveals the flaws.
Have me weep in an apartment on a Sunday afternoon when it is just you and me.

Sunlight is my enemy, it is my best friend, it is my lover, and my guide.
I run from the sunlight just as much as I run to it.
Comfort from my own understanding, depression caused from my way of thinking.
Sinning and believing, doubting and worshiping.

Baptizing the inter sanctum of my mind’s eye.
A world view taking root before the very nature of life even starts.
I take the wine and the bread to partake in my belief.
And then I look to the ground and try to do it my own way.

Will I ever get a chance to pick a side.
Will the struggle be made plain, so I can actually reach up to Heaven and be wiped clean?
This world is a mine filled travesty, made into a sin woven tapestry.
I do not belong in this place and my body fights that fact every day.

Do you know who I am?!
Do you think I am this mess of a man?
Do you think I have zero intelligence on the subject of my Savior?
Do you know who I am?!

Do I know who I am?!
Do I think I am worth the very air I breathe?
Do I think that there is something better after death?
Do I know who I am?!

I am a man…and this is my personal perception personified by my convictions.
A sin filled life from the start, and a longing to keep on doing it.
When I know that my vices will never let me win.
Yet, I struggle and I call out day after day.
For I am a man, that does not like to go outside when the sun is shining and hoping to play.

I am a man… broken, bitter, loved, saved.
I am just a man…one that has no control, ever since I went down on my knees.
I am not a savior…but I do look to one.
I am a man…flawed, hurt, depressed, anxious.
Yet hope is still there…

The sunlight hits a cheek far away from where I am today.
One day I think I will see.
If I want to be a better me…
I need to answer prayer with prayer and know there is hope that never goes away.

“Burning out my sins until there’s nothing but dust. Holding me with care into your cigarette. Cause the God I believe in never worked on a campaign trail.”    ~Brand New519048855_1280x720

The Good Kind of Greed

“In this life, I’m stubborn to the core. In this life, I’ve been burning after more. We both know what these open arms are for.” ~Switchfoot

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A cheerful expression that answers its own questions.
A simple but diverse point that is being made.
Taking credit for others work,
when all I want to do is hold you close and let the world melt away.

Tell me a story where the point of view is from you.
Talking and making sense.
Breathing and learning.
A dance that circles on itself.

Let live and let die the hope that burns.
For hope is the passion that the heart uses to,
Determine how much I feel like being alive.
Equal parts avarice and self pity.

Tell me the moment when you feel safe.
Unlock the secrets so that I might make you smile.
I hope this finds you well.
I hope this ignites more than emotion.

For emotions do not recite poetry truly.
They are masks placed by your mind over our hearts.
Breathe and let me be an ever guiding lighthouse.
A hold and a touch that tells me that it is okay to be me.

Mediocre Life

Won’t you climb high and shower some correction on me? Don’t you dare disguise your colorful predictions are clear.    ~Fair

 

~Mediocre Life~

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I am living tonight.
I am going to be the best man I can be.
Look at that cliché.
I love it.

Equal parts majestic and striking.
Glorious illusions of happiness versus hardship.
Fallacies coming from the very place I call home.
I was built for more than this mediocre life.

Let me look for introductions to the other side.
Introductions to faith, love, and happiness.
Epilogues that bleed into new beginnings.
Laced with a drug that feels more like medicine.

I am built for more than this mediocre life.
I am built for hope.
I am built for redemption.
I am to be me and release the sideways stature of a man searching for an answer.

I stand at a crossroad.
They always say to choose left or right.
I say, “I choose neither.”
I will step off the path and forge a new one.

For I am worth more than mediocrity.
I wish to defend the defenseless.
Help the hopeless and realize that life is worth living.
Hope is decided when the player starts the game.

Dear child please stand up, so you can be more than what they call you.
For you deserve more than this mediocre life.
Dear child let your life be a guide post to all who wish to see.
For you are more than a speck in the universe.
You are uniquely you.

 

A Lovely Tune

“I know that there’s a meaning to it all.
A little resurrection every time I fall.
You got your babies, I got my hearses.
Every blessing comes with a set of curses.
I got my vices, I got my vice verses”

-Switchfoot

~A Lovely Tune~

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The night has succumbed to the darkness.
The stars are no longer doing their job,
And the moon has lost the sun.

Day has never felt so quiet.
Twilight no longer has any color.
What is this world coming to?

When does it make sense to feel?
Is it okay to care just a bit?
To bring the light to a place that decides it doesn’t need it.

Loss makes the world look a little different.
Friends that go through heartache destroy you a bit inside.
But we pray and that is all we can do.
When you are in another country just trying to sing a lovely tune.

When the light hurts your eyes.
And the fire burns cold.
It is time to mourn for another soul.

Nights are longer and the day is never
When a friend is in pain.
And when it is your best friend it hurts even more.

Loss makes the world look a little different.
Friends that go through heartache destroy you a bit inside.
But we pray and that is all we can do.
When you are in another country just trying to sing a lovely tune.

I am told to shake it off.
I am told that times heals all wounds.
I am told to walk the line.

But sometimes I just want to cry.
Sometimes I want to hide.
Is it okay to do so every once and awhile?

For the world we live in is broken.
And all the words that are spoken,
Do nothing to quell the situation we find ourselves in.

For loss makes the world look a little bit different.
Friends that go through heartache can destroy you inside.
But we pray and that is all we can do.
When you are in another country just trying to sing a lovely tune.

The World’s gods Before Me

Almost every time we tell a lie it is fear based.
                                     ~Jeremy Rapp

~The World’s gods Before Me~

Who among us deserves life everlasting?
How many of us do enough good to become a sinless answer?
Can we be perfect, so that out lives can mean something?
Who among us deserves to be forgiven?
I deserve to be blind for three days.
I deserve to be blinded for longer.
I deserve to be crucified once.
I deserve to be crucified twice.
Who among us has the answers?
How many men have come up with a sinful answer?
Can we enter into the gates with someone else?
Who among us deserves gold and a helping hand?
I deserve to be shipwrecked.
I deserve to drown in the fears of men.
I deserve to go hungry.
I deserve for God to not get me through. 
The Maker puts us into situations that are hard.
The Master puts us into places that are unclean.
He has us destroy the semblance of a comfort zone.
Before we go out into our days.
Is it not amazing He speaks to is at all?
Is it not incredible that He guides us?
He puts into these situations yet He stays near.
I don’t even deserve that.
There is a way for me to enter into the gate.
And it is not living in the middle gray.
It is to cast aside all of my firsts.
And replace it with God first.
  
Do I take the gifts given to me and use them for Love?
Or do I take them and spit in the face of the one who blessed me?
Do I put anything above the Maker?
Or do I rely on Love more than anything else?
Who among us deserves eternal life?
Well no one really. 
Who among us deserves to be forgiven?
Not a single man or woman.
But you know what?
Faith in our creator can give us eternity.
Listening to the call will forgive us.
His grace is enough to set his people free. 
I don’t deserve anything.
I don’t deserve to be living. 
But I have breath because I believe.
And I will continue to live if I can cast aside this world’s gods for the one who made me.