Category Archives: life

It Would Nice to Have Window

Walls surround and call my name.
Not long before I fall asleep.
Not walls made of wood and plaster.
But walls made of black and other dark colors.

A room built.
A room that isn’t always the same.
Sometimes I am given a chair.
Sometimes there is nothing there.

My eyes go up.
My eyes go down.
It is hard to look left.
It is hard to look right.

I open my eyes some nights during sleep.
I look around inside of the dream.
This dream is sometimes hopeful and lovely.
But mostly it is a nightmare brought on by my lack of self esteem.

I am very aware of what I can do.
What I can’t do.
When I am stylized.
When I am talking out of my… you know.

It would be nice to have a window.
So that the light in the room can be shown in the night.
I am on a hill looking down and up.
Hoping in hope, to show people that I can offer a rope.

But the nightmare continues on.
Building more walls.
And resisting any calls.
But the hope is still there,  desiring to wake up and not despair.

This world is not in my control.
I cannot take down these walls.
Only Love has the power to shake up this room.
So I may better share the hope that I know to be true.

I am given a match.
I light it up, and drop it down.
The walls burn to the ground in the form of a tune.
I take up Your hope, and go out to build a better room.

Put on Your Dancing Shoes

Put on the charm.
Carry out the action.
Dance to the symmetry.
But do it quickly because you never know how long you have left.

Right outside is beauty.
Formed together by grace and elegance.
A 1950’s charmer.
A dance that accompanies both melancholy and hope.

Put on the swing.
Dance a little slower than you might otherwise.
Pursue a bit faster than what is comfortable.
But do it genuinely, or it will all be for naught.

Pulling up with windows down.
Cruising down with the wind blowing inside.
Clearing your head for what is to come.
No,  after thoughts to crush the high you are now on.

Put on the charm.
Form a thought about another.
Dance to the entropy that comes after the symmetry.
But do it quickly…

Put on your dancing shoes.
This club isn’t for everyone.
Find out if you got what it takes.
And if you do, treasure, love, and be you no matter what others tell you.

Pursue the lover.
Dance like no other.
Please be a true charmer.
Be filled with symmetry and of course a little entropy.

 

 

 

Ring in a New Tune (Part 2 of 3)

 

Please Lord, give me at least one more song to sing.
One more voice to get me through the day.
A melody that I can follow.
Or maybe even one that is chaotic but beautiful.

Take a chord and let it ring true.
A single sound that lights this day through and through.
Follow it up with the beat of a drum,
So I may have a reason to walk and know where I am from.

Please Lord, give me one more song.
Let it stretch high and take shape before you and me.
A melody that I can follow.
Or maybe even one that is chaotic but true.

My expectations of myself cloud my expectations of others.
A shroud that muffles the sound of an otherwise beautiful tone.
I look and see, but do I really?
Do I see what really needs to be seen.

You look at my brokenness,
With my broken strings and busted tom.
You look at me in my depression,
And somehow you pull out a truth that I never saw before.

Please Lord, give me one more song to sing.
Fix my broken instruments, while I try and play before you.
Help me make a melody that I can follow.
Or maybe one that is chaotic but doesn’t mislead.

Please Lord, I am only a man.
One that is made from flesh and blood.
Maker, I need a song to sing.
A song to show the world that the soul is what needs to be cleaned.

A Dwelling Place

“My heartbeat, my oxygen, my banner, my home, my future, my song, your hope is the anthem of my soul.” ~Switchfoot

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There is more to now than what is coming next.
Or what happened before the moment.
But we dwell on such things instead of wondering what is happening at this present moment.
Answering the questions of the past to try and determine our futures.

It is not wrong to think ahead, or learn from the past.
I encourage it daily.
The problem is sometimes we put more stock into who we are…
And forget to see where we’re at.

The person I am now is not the same as the one before.
Maybe I grew up, maybe I went backwards.
All I know is I am here and I am alive.
I am holding onto the hope that was placed upon my heart.

When I think to hard about what my mind used to call home,
I reject all the good that has happened since.
I retreat to a mindset that I have no desire to revisit.
I am not that person anymore and I need to leave the past where it belongs.

When I try to see passed the next five minutes, I start to see what I have not done.
“I have failed.” I say.
“Why am I single, why is no one there by my side?”
But God has a plan, and right now is where He wants me to be at.

I put too much stock into what I have not done.
I put too much stock into who I have been.
I should be happy with the now.
Happy with the man God has currently shaped me to be.

Thoughts brought on by reality.
Togetherness equals strength.
Family is more than an emotional crutch.
And hope is the desire of the past to the present, and to the future of all that I will do.

Being Afraid of God

“If God is smaller than my fears, then He is not God. But it’s not just with our doubts and fears, it’s with so many other areas of our life as well. We think God can’t handle the truth of who we are so we make Him smaller than He really is.” ~Jon Foreman

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You see, I am a man that is scared of God.
I am terrified of His voice.
I decide it is better to be stranded in the dessert than accept the water.
You see, I am fearful but not out of reverence but genuine fear.

That is not to say I do not revere.
He is my creator, my maker.
He is the one that gives me life and meaning.
Yet when I stare Him in the eye I must look away because I am scared what He has to say.

I am so aware of my own humanity that I forget that I have a man who saved me.
At the same time I never forget His love, I am just frightened that He will stop loving me.
Because I have no understanding of why He loves me so.
I am a lowly man that has more vices than good qualities.

I target my prayers to fix what is broken.
I lock onto a subject and ask for the answer instead of worshiping the man, my Savior.
For He is the reason I keep on trying.
Even when I fail and fall flat on the floor.

I try and I try but my way is not the same.
It is not the same as the One who gave it all.
I told you that this ends now, the anxiety, the hurt, and I meant it,
But right now I finally think I am ready to face my fear.

For God I am terrified of you.
I am scared of your love, of your forgiveness, of your loving-kindness.
I am frightened that a God who has no reason to Love me does.
I am so terrified I, but I am ready to look you in the eye and quiet possibly be a better me.

Locked into a different way of thinking for my own is failing me.
God I am on my knees, I am praying for more than an answer.
I am praying for my well being, my death, my resurrection, my reluctance to come to you.
I am a broken man and I know it.

I wish to breathe and to take your hand instead of wanting to drown.
I am too comfortable with my anxiety, my comfort of drowning in this tablespoon of water.
It gives me comfort to know that this pain is my normal.
But here I am Lord laying out before you to take me to a place where I have a comfort other than my own insecurities.

A child reaching out his hand through the thorns.
A child wanting to grow.
A face that senses the fear of the unknown.
A chance to let go and let the faith of the child shine through.

My Personal Perception Personified By Convictions

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“I was a pharisee. I never saw the need for grace. Then your love came to me, stood next to mine and I saw that I was poor. Show me I was poor, show us we are…glorious. We are glorious not from what good we have done, but from being the least.”  ~As Cities Burn

 

Sunlight hits your cheek, and the glimmer awakens something deep inside of me.
A longing that I never knew existed before.
Well, that is not entirely true.
I have known, and I have seen but I have never believed.

Sunlight graces the edge of a cliff.
The shadow it creates is more beautiful than the light…to me.
It is signifies the stretch of time between then and now.
Before your glimmer equaled more than an anxious feeling.

Take a chance on me and one day God I will fully be more.
Take a chance on me Lord and I will fail you.
Take a chance on me King and I will disappoint.
But if you take a chance on me, I swear I will believe.

Sunlight hits another.
That ends before it even began.
Not a chance to truly develop because I effed that up.
I let the pain of the past come in and take what may.

Sunlight decides to shine on me, and I hate the way it looks me in the eye.
I prefer to be held in a lie.
To take it and nurture it so I can hide from the truth.
The truth that I am worth it, that grace has set me free.

Take a chance on me friend and I will fail you.
Take a chance on me girl and maybe we can help one another.
Take a chance on me good sir and our friendship might blossom into perfect chaos.
But if you take a chance on me know I am all in, and every chance I get I wish to do something for you…not for me.

I sing for my sins.
I sing for my false religion.
I tantalize my being with a song that is not from the One who gave it all.
I am an idolater when I need a bit of a pick me up.

But Jesus I beg of thee…take a chance on me.
Let me be an offering when I run away.
Let my knees buckle when the sunlight reveals the flaws.
Have me weep in an apartment on a Sunday afternoon when it is just you and me.

Sunlight is my enemy, it is my best friend, it is my lover, and my guide.
I run from the sunlight just as much as I run to it.
Comfort from my own understanding, depression caused from my way of thinking.
Sinning and believing, doubting and worshiping.

Baptizing the inter sanctum of my mind’s eye.
A world view taking root before the very nature of life even starts.
I take the wine and the bread to partake in my belief.
And then I look to the ground and try to do it my own way.

Will I ever get a chance to pick a side.
Will the struggle be made plain, so I can actually reach up to Heaven and be wiped clean?
This world is a mine filled travesty, made into a sin woven tapestry.
I do not belong in this place and my body fights that fact every day.

Do you know who I am?!
Do you think I am this mess of a man?
Do you think I have zero intelligence on the subject of my Savior?
Do you know who I am?!

Do I know who I am?!
Do I think I am worth the very air I breathe?
Do I think that there is something better after death?
Do I know who I am?!

I am a man…and this is my personal perception personified by my convictions.
A sin filled life from the start, and a longing to keep on doing it.
When I know that my vices will never let me win.
Yet, I struggle and I call out day after day.
For I am a man, that does not like to go outside when the sun is shining and hoping to play.

I am a man… broken, bitter, loved, saved.
I am just a man…one that has no control, ever since I went down on my knees.
I am not a savior…but I do look to one.
I am a man…flawed, hurt, depressed, anxious.
Yet hope is still there…

The sunlight hits a cheek far away from where I am today.
One day I think I will see.
If I want to be a better me…
I need to answer prayer with prayer and know there is hope that never goes away.

“Burning out my sins until there’s nothing but dust. Holding me with care into your cigarette. Cause the God I believe in never worked on a campaign trail.”    ~Brand New519048855_1280x720

The Good Kind of Greed

“In this life, I’m stubborn to the core. In this life, I’ve been burning after more. We both know what these open arms are for.” ~Switchfoot

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A cheerful expression that answers its own questions.
A simple but diverse point that is being made.
Taking credit for others work,
when all I want to do is hold you close and let the world melt away.

Tell me a story where the point of view is from you.
Talking and making sense.
Breathing and learning.
A dance that circles on itself.

Let live and let die the hope that burns.
For hope is the passion that the heart uses to,
Determine how much I feel like being alive.
Equal parts avarice and self pity.

Tell me the moment when you feel safe.
Unlock the secrets so that I might make you smile.
I hope this finds you well.
I hope this ignites more than emotion.

For emotions do not recite poetry truly.
They are masks placed by your mind over our hearts.
Breathe and let me be an ever guiding lighthouse.
A hold and a touch that tells me that it is okay to be me.