Category Archives: fear

Do You Ever Look Back?

Do you ever take a look back.
Back in time to see the ones that loved you,
The ones that wronged you,
Or maybe the ones that should have gotten more attention?

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you went right instead of left,
Took that train instead of taking the other,
Gone back to the girl that smiled when you passed by,
Or jumped up instead of ducking?

I think that we all have times when we reflect a little too much.
Where we don’t hesitate to establish a connection to the past.
Or when we take a deep dive into what if…?
But I think that periodic trips are more useful than dwelling.

For your home is what you have right now.
The hearth is the heart that beats at the present.
It is not the dusty mantle where childhood pictures are toppled,
Or the open door to the portraits made from past regrets.

Do you ever enter into the future to check the past?
What about the present,
Is it too much to ask for a reprieve from where we are now?
Is your home as warm as it was before?

Do you ever take a look back?
Do you take a vacation to better times?
Do you regret the moment you didn’t take your life?
Is it hard to steer away from prior heartbreaks and spilled milk?

Take heart.
You are here right now, alive and beautiful.
Take heart.
Your home can be rebuilt.

Do you ever look back?
I sure do.
I believe that we all sometimes need to.
At least that is the case for me.

Do you ever look back?
Do you look for the now?
Do you look ahead?
Which one looks better to you?

She’s in Love with Chaos

“She was a wreck. but he loved her. She was a wreck, but so was he.” ~Copeland

 

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It looks like a heartache waiting to happen.
When the phone hits the floor and she is left alone.
The other line dead and the voice has stopped.
And the drumming from her head is working harder than her heart.

She’s in love with chaos.
The ups and the downs.
The lefts that are actually rights, her mind begging to be found.
She’s in love with chaos.
The unknown, is the start of her disorganization alone.

Picking up the pieces and moving one.
Going from one phone to another waiting to belong.
Not trying to hard to sing a better song.
All she does is wait for heartache, to become her white and black swan.

She’s in love with chaos.
The deaf tones of awkward lies.
The messed up deliveries of sought after lines.
She’s in love with chaos.
With her mind, taking deep breaths and taking names that she must find.

Sectioned off and in the crowd.
Determined for more than a sour sound.
But not giving it enough effort or follow through.
The choice is hers, even though she’ll never limit herself to a few.

She’s in love with chaos.
The ups and the downs.
The lefts that are actually rights, marked with hearts waiting to be found.
She’s in love with chaos.
Heartbreak brought on, by late night phone calls and luck based falls.

She’s in love with chaos.
And the Lord knows…
That one day maybe her eyes will see the light being shown.
She’s in love with chaos and the rest.
For one moment she breaks and finally passes a test.

The Apartment Adventure

“I’ve been taking all the back roads home. When everything that’s held me back now becomes what’s making me come undone. On the ceiling is a secret door, and I’ve finally found the words to prove. When everything was tragic at once is what made me come unglued.” ~Fair

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This apartment is beginning to feel so small.
It is empty and filled with everything.
Nothing inside is enticing me to go outside.
And everything that has been cluttered makes me want to leave.

Fighting to get into each room of my place.
Every door is a puzzle that needs to be solved in order to retain a flow.
A box set up on the other side of the flat.
The prize is inside of it, but I must find a way to get to that room.

Up and down the first room has the vines that have strung me up many times.
The bog is up next and the dead I guess do stay near the lights.
A dessert where I am so thirsty that even the water I have saved up runs dry.
And then I must cross the ocean to an island to claim my prize.

This apartment is so small that it carries the entire world inside.
It feels large and inviting until you encounter a locked door.
A puzzle that needs to be solved in order to progress.
It’s like I am living in a game with a sword and a tear.

I wipe my eyes dry and venture forth hoping beyond hope I am able to reach the other side.
A home that makes sense.
A home where this man could call safe.
But first I need my prize, and that prize is across the ocean, past biomes I have not yet trekked.

This apartment is so small, and I wish to leave.
This apartment is so large I wish to stay.
What is the day when the forge gives you a sword?
What hour is it when the armor is made?

I take up arms filled with the good type of pride.
I take heart and realize you are by my side.
I take courage in knowing that I tried.
I take a step into the unknown, through the biomes that have become home.

A universe made and a universe trekked.
An answer is out there I just need you to have my back.
To help me forge the rivers and to climb up high.
To jump off and then teach me how to fly.

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My Personal Perception Personified By Convictions

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“I was a pharisee. I never saw the need for grace. Then your love came to me, stood next to mine and I saw that I was poor. Show me I was poor, show us we are…glorious. We are glorious not from what good we have done, but from being the least.”  ~As Cities Burn

 

Sunlight hits your cheek, and the glimmer awakens something deep inside of me.
A longing that I never knew existed before.
Well, that is not entirely true.
I have known, and I have seen but I have never believed.

Sunlight graces the edge of a cliff.
The shadow it creates is more beautiful than the light…to me.
It is signifies the stretch of time between then and now.
Before your glimmer equaled more than an anxious feeling.

Take a chance on me and one day God I will fully be more.
Take a chance on me Lord and I will fail you.
Take a chance on me King and I will disappoint.
But if you take a chance on me, I swear I will believe.

Sunlight hits another.
That ends before it even began.
Not a chance to truly develop because I effed that up.
I let the pain of the past come in and take what may.

Sunlight decides to shine on me, and I hate the way it looks me in the eye.
I prefer to be held in a lie.
To take it and nurture it so I can hide from the truth.
The truth that I am worth it, that grace has set me free.

Take a chance on me friend and I will fail you.
Take a chance on me girl and maybe we can help one another.
Take a chance on me good sir and our friendship might blossom into perfect chaos.
But if you take a chance on me know I am all in, and every chance I get I wish to do something for you…not for me.

I sing for my sins.
I sing for my false religion.
I tantalize my being with a song that is not from the One who gave it all.
I am an idolater when I need a bit of a pick me up.

But Jesus I beg of thee…take a chance on me.
Let me be an offering when I run away.
Let my knees buckle when the sunlight reveals the flaws.
Have me weep in an apartment on a Sunday afternoon when it is just you and me.

Sunlight is my enemy, it is my best friend, it is my lover, and my guide.
I run from the sunlight just as much as I run to it.
Comfort from my own understanding, depression caused from my way of thinking.
Sinning and believing, doubting and worshiping.

Baptizing the inter sanctum of my mind’s eye.
A world view taking root before the very nature of life even starts.
I take the wine and the bread to partake in my belief.
And then I look to the ground and try to do it my own way.

Will I ever get a chance to pick a side.
Will the struggle be made plain, so I can actually reach up to Heaven and be wiped clean?
This world is a mine filled travesty, made into a sin woven tapestry.
I do not belong in this place and my body fights that fact every day.

Do you know who I am?!
Do you think I am this mess of a man?
Do you think I have zero intelligence on the subject of my Savior?
Do you know who I am?!

Do I know who I am?!
Do I think I am worth the very air I breathe?
Do I think that there is something better after death?
Do I know who I am?!

I am a man…and this is my personal perception personified by my convictions.
A sin filled life from the start, and a longing to keep on doing it.
When I know that my vices will never let me win.
Yet, I struggle and I call out day after day.
For I am a man, that does not like to go outside when the sun is shining and hoping to play.

I am a man… broken, bitter, loved, saved.
I am just a man…one that has no control, ever since I went down on my knees.
I am not a savior…but I do look to one.
I am a man…flawed, hurt, depressed, anxious.
Yet hope is still there…

The sunlight hits a cheek far away from where I am today.
One day I think I will see.
If I want to be a better me…
I need to answer prayer with prayer and know there is hope that never goes away.

“Burning out my sins until there’s nothing but dust. Holding me with care into your cigarette. Cause the God I believe in never worked on a campaign trail.”    ~Brand New519048855_1280x720

Left Field

“Some people feel guilty about their anxieties and regard them as a defect of faith. I don’t agree at all. They are afflictions, not sins. Like all afflictions, they are, if we can so take them, our share in the Passion of Christ” ~C.S. Lewis

A reactionary tale that takes advantage of moments and fears.
Longevity taken away and loving when love doesn’t want to come at all.
A reaction to a force unknown.
A snake devouring the innards of the human soul.

And here I am deciding to go with it or against it.
The snake coils a little tighter.
This snake turns into butterflies flapping into turmoil.
A gut reaction that makes no sense at all.

Interesting ideas play out in left field.
A dance towards foreseen circumstances.
And awards given to yourself because self esteem doesn’t have a place in you.
A worrisome moment when happiness is real.

Do I wish to maintain the facade of the cynic?
Or should I break free and show my optimistic side?
The case for comfort over happiness.
Familiarity versus the mundane self negativity.

Hello, is it time to answer?
Or should I keep asking questions?
Is it worth the time to try and fix what was never broken?
The snake decides to come back far to often.

This tale is taking its good ole time to end.
It unfolds and goes back time and time again.
The map always seems complete.
Until you decide to wake up from sleep.

What is In-Between?

“I am the war inside,. I am the battle line. I am the rising tide. I am the more I fight, eyes open, open wide. I can feel like I’m the crack in my spine. I can feel like the back of my mind. I am the war inside.”
                                                                     Switchfoot

~What is In-Between?~

Down on my knees I pray.
Forward thinking in recovery kneeling.
A brightness in a black room I was thinking.
On my knees I decide to pray.
Will I continue until the end beginning?
Will I pray and feel grace and mercy,
On a day of hurt,
On a day of pain?
In these days when anxiousness takes over the mind.
When my worry blocks out my words.
While I am trying to be what I need to be.
When I am trying to live life and pray.
I am a flawed masterpiece.
I am a man who finds comfort in the rain.
Looking forward to the day I no longer fear to pray.
Looking for peace in a mind that sees magic as faith.
I want to be able to close my eyes and pray for more than just me.
To see the needs around.
To go forward in love in a world far from me,
To pray not as a checklist, but a relationship that feeds.
Can we hold onto the vines that come down from glory?
Can we depend on Love instead of ourselves?
Can we climb up high and experience a fall,
So that we can seek and climb once more?
Hope for more than your own desires.
Pray and believe that Love is listening. 
For Love answers in one way or another. 
And the answers will make us stronger.
Faith is above and below.
It is the sky and the dirt.
Fear does not belong in the in-between.
When I look up and see the glory, the in-between falls down.
And I do as well, to my knees and then I begin to pray.