Category Archives: failure

Look Up North

“Cause we never learned to keep our voices down. No, we only learned to shout. So we fight our way in, we fight our way out.” ~Dashboard Confessional

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Our hearts are deciding that the weather is the source of sanity.
A moment suspended in time where getting out of bed is harder than quantum mechanics.
The bed grips us and doesn’t want to let go.
Longing for the sun and longing for a strength to open our eyes today.

A God who has the strength to change this position.
A hope that is carried on the backs of those that have fallen before us.
Equal parts sanity and insecurity determine moods during these days.
Masking the pain we feel with happiness and short sighted  fixes.

Just know to fight.
Fight for your joy, fight for your hope.
Don’t ever let go of the person that God made you to be.
A fight against the wave that comes and knocks you down to your knees.

As one of my favorite songs says, “Everybody gets high, everybody gets low.”
Pick yourself up and know you are worth more than your mind will say.
But remember sometimes it is okay to be alone.
And when those times come don’t go into yourself, look up north.

A prayer for the depressed.
A prayer for the crippling effects of anxiety.
We will fight together; we will win.
Take a hand and raise your fist.
We will win this war.

“Everybody gets high, everybody gets low.” ~Beartooth

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Daily Target Practive

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I believe in a love greater than myself.
One that passes all understanding.
It cuts deep and reveals truth.
It shines a light upon my successes and failures.

A Spirit comes to defend my mind.
A hope that has decided to love me despite my doubts.
It moves through my body and soul.
And guides my words when I am in need.

Anxiety is a way of life.
One that has gripped me for years.
But one that I can overcome,
By the love that gives me peace when my head is fighting.

A glance to the left as I hear a bang.
Target practice on my heart takes place daily.
Love protects it, even when it hurts.
Love is there even when nothing seems to be going right.

So what do we do when the tides are coming to overtake?
When the water floods our supports?
We take heart and rely on Love.
We rely on the truth the Spirit has brought upon our lives.

For peace can come even in the storm.
It brings joy when no joy should be found.
Our supports get rebuilt, and then the sun comes back.
And we pray and thank God for another day.

The More We Learn the Less We Care

We rise and we fall.
We go under; we come back up.
A slow passing of time.
A break neck speed of events.

It never ends.
We keep on going while the clock is clicking.
We keep on moving while it ticks and tocks all day.
It never stops and asks us if we need to rest.

A little smile to the left; a little cry to the right.
Anxiety is behind me, and true love hopefully in front.
But he doesn’t necessarily think it includes him.
But if it does he hopes that it includes a wrist guard.

This time I am going to be kind to time.
For the more we learn the less we care.
The more we care the more we can learn.
As time marches on to more beginnings and endings.

It returns to the earth and ends up crying out.
When time ends and reclaims its former glory.
A semblance of control diminishes,
When we realize it is out of our hands.

At least it helps when you are the only one with headphones on.
Blocking out the noise that fills the air.
Marching forward and not looking back.
Learning as much as I can; trying to care a bit more.

But he tries a little too hard sometimes.
With a reach to the sky; a certain sparkle that’s left his eye.
A sore heart ready for another.
He breathes a bit harder these days.

But I am here with my jacket in my hands.
Ready to jump a little further today.
Maybe this time I will make it into the pool.
But if I don’t at least it was a thrill until the end.

And there he is too afraid to even jump.
Too afraid to learn that going up is the same as going down.
I hope the example is enough to hobble him along.
A little push into the new canon he could bring to his life.

We rise and we fall.
We go under; we come back up.
A slow passing of time.
A break neck speed of events.

We rise and we fall.
We dig a little deeper; we reach a little higher.
A snails speed passing us by.
A bullet train that ends up piercing our hearts.
A goodbye bleeding into hello.
As this clock ticks real slow.

Turbulence and Plane Rides

Hello. How are you?
I am wondering if it is okay to enter into this interaction?
To be honest and blunt.
To bring out a little bit of the bitter instead of covering it up with the nice?

You walk into a room and glance my way.
Never smiling always in disarray.
No, matter my words only half listening to what I have to say.
I thought we could be over this petty little game?

Snapping words when simple questions are asked.
Glares that come whenever I seem to laugh.
I am not sure you want to play this game,
But here you are deciding to do so for both of us.

Turbulence and plane rides.
Train tracks sputtering along.
Tight turns at high speeds.
Breakneck acceleration on country roads.

Slowing down to scowl.
Merging when to many cars are coming.
Try to be happy even if it isn’t your day.
Jut drive and do your best to stay in a place to pray.

Of course I am not perfect.
I let it get under my skin more than I should.
A bit passive aggressive to a fault.
But don’t worry…I’m working on it.

Hello. How are you?
Is it too much to ask that you understand some facial self control.
Reading you like a book.
But you know…I could be wrong.

Today is my Birthday

“You say I’m a loser in the background. I can never seem to get it right, but I’m learning my worth is more than your word.” ~Beartooth

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Today is my birthday and I am a bit different than the others around me.
My mentality is a bit stricken when in the presence of people.
A comfortable state that doesn’t come naturally to me.
Like stumbling over words around those that used to care.

On the outside looking in for most of my days,
But I am okay with it now,
But for a time it was all that I could do not to scream at me being me.
As for the now who knows if I have truly moved on.

Insecure and walking through crowds that decide if I am being social enough.
I never felt like gravitating towards a specific side.
Rather longing for long stretches of imagining just who I am.
And failing enough times to last a couple lifetimes.

Failure is not over, I am sure.
For in life you fail.
How you get back up is what truly defines you.
How you act in the face of success could be a bit more telling.

I just wonder if I will one day find out for myself if that is true.
I’ll take my little victories and insecurities.
My typecast role that I fight against.
Or the face that is beautiful but is so far away, even if it is right next to me.

For the meaning of me is the meaning of hope.
A rise to the bottom wondering if I will ever get to the top.
My soul crying out for water that means more than any human soul.
Let me dry out my hands while reaching out.

Today is my birthday, and what do I have to say?
Should I tell of great accomplishments, or just go on with my day.
Should I tell of my angst that still presides since I was 16?
Today is my birthday, and I think I may be worth more than what my mind tells me.

I am a person that justifies myself by a wandering eye.
A hand that I use to reach high and employ to cry out to the other side.
A hand held out to anyone who needs what I wish to have.
And a person I long to be.

For today is my birthday,
And I guess it is a reflective type of day.
My hope anchored in my heart of hearts.
Knowing I have a long road to go.
Knowing that I have those around that remind me that I am not always alone.

I Tried and I Failed (Participation Trophy)

“I’ll fantasize of being manic and leaving us behind. In your eyes, you were the one that tried. Acceptance is what holds us here. Then you my dear are the one I fear tonight.  We’ll try this one more time.” ~Underoath

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He asks questions he thinks deserves to be answered.
Integrating compassion into entropy.
Taking shots at people who would be better off longing for more.
And lacking the maturity to ask questions that may make a semblance of sense.

She walks through life with a splint in her personality.
Happy and sad inhabit the same space.
Depression is a welcoming change of pace.
And lacking the steam to press on when she has a minuscule amount of joy.

Together they form the modern entitlement.
Equal parts apathy and laziness.
Hoping to be discovered from a singular occurrence.
Stepping to the left because it is easier than stepping to the right.

Or maybe the right seems like an easier choice.
I don’t think it matters to the modern consumer.
Where taking it easy looks like the way I am supposed to be.
Instead of failing and learning and not getting that participation trophy.

Not to diminish hard times and face to face lies.
Not to say we are not all a bit lowly.
But today it is easier to wait than try.
When they tell you that it is okay to be not okay.

When hope is diminished to a flame hidden.
And the lights from peoples eyes die so quickly.
The hopeless have better questions than the believer.
When we fight and die in the name of being tolerant to my fellow man.

Just go out and work hard.
Go out and love your fellow man.
Find out who your are and die fighting for it.
Instead of sitting down waiting to be discovered by lying over indulgent agencies..

I don’t want your participation trophy.
I want to earn my rewards, my accomplishments, my chance to have hope and be free.
I don’t care what you think of me.
I choose to carry on and I strive to love despite all the times I wanted to flee.

At least I tried.
Not for a trophy, or for an award.
But to be a better version of who I once was.
To do better and to do good.
To be someone that I always knew I could.