Category Archives: Dark

Do You Ever Look Back?

Do you ever take a look back.
Back in time to see the ones that loved you,
The ones that wronged you,
Or maybe the ones that should have gotten more attention?

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you went right instead of left,
Took that train instead of taking the other,
Gone back to the girl that smiled when you passed by,
Or jumped up instead of ducking?

I think that we all have times when we reflect a little too much.
Where we don’t hesitate to establish a connection to the past.
Or when we take a deep dive into what if…?
But I think that periodic trips are more useful than dwelling.

For your home is what you have right now.
The hearth is the heart that beats at the present.
It is not the dusty mantle where childhood pictures are toppled,
Or the open door to the portraits made from past regrets.

Do you ever enter into the future to check the past?
What about the present,
Is it too much to ask for a reprieve from where we are now?
Is your home as warm as it was before?

Do you ever take a look back?
Do you take a vacation to better times?
Do you regret the moment you didn’t take your life?
Is it hard to steer away from prior heartbreaks and spilled milk?

Take heart.
You are here right now, alive and beautiful.
Take heart.
Your home can be rebuilt.

Do you ever look back?
I sure do.
I believe that we all sometimes need to.
At least that is the case for me.

Do you ever look back?
Do you look for the now?
Do you look ahead?
Which one looks better to you?

Morning Sickness

“Every lament is a love song.” ~Switchfoot

He stands on the edge of his mind and his heart.
Largely distracted by what is going on around him, and what is going on inside. 
Which one will win?
He knows, but he doesn't feel like telling and one. 

A morning sickness that has nothing to do with pregnancy.
A sickness developed from opening his eyes and realizing he is alive.
Stricken to his sheets, the ones that feel like home.
For the floor is lava and o scary to venture into alone.

Ducking and diving in and out.
Avoiding the fire that's coming from all around him.
The gun sight is set to his heart and others to his head.
One good shot and everything goes away, from them or even from the one he is carrying.

But the truth is he doesn't want this to be the case.
I don't think any of us really do.
But sometimes this world seems to be too much, and all he wants is to be somewhere else.
With someone who will never forsake him.

He sits alone on the porch that looks out into the yard.
A storm is brewing and the lightening is coming at regular intervals.
The wind picks up and the trees start to sway to the beat.
Clap clap, bang bang, flash flash...boom. 

His funeral is tomorrow and not an eye is dry.
Closed casket in the morning and sandwiches with aunts in the afternoon.
"We should get together more often." They will say.
"What an awful way to get the family together."

Leaving behind the mother and the father.
A part of the world ripped away by one single act.
Friends that loved  him, now on the floor wondering what they could have done better.
Wondering what they could have done to help him fly...

She’s in Love with Chaos

“She was a wreck. but he loved her. She was a wreck, but so was he.” ~Copeland

 

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It looks like a heartache waiting to happen.
When the phone hits the floor and she is left alone.
The other line dead and the voice has stopped.
And the drumming from her head is working harder than her heart.

She’s in love with chaos.
The ups and the downs.
The lefts that are actually rights, her mind begging to be found.
She’s in love with chaos.
The unknown, is the start of her disorganization alone.

Picking up the pieces and moving one.
Going from one phone to another waiting to belong.
Not trying to hard to sing a better song.
All she does is wait for heartache, to become her white and black swan.

She’s in love with chaos.
The deaf tones of awkward lies.
The messed up deliveries of sought after lines.
She’s in love with chaos.
With her mind, taking deep breaths and taking names that she must find.

Sectioned off and in the crowd.
Determined for more than a sour sound.
But not giving it enough effort or follow through.
The choice is hers, even though she’ll never limit herself to a few.

She’s in love with chaos.
The ups and the downs.
The lefts that are actually rights, marked with hearts waiting to be found.
She’s in love with chaos.
Heartbreak brought on, by late night phone calls and luck based falls.

She’s in love with chaos.
And the Lord knows…
That one day maybe her eyes will see the light being shown.
She’s in love with chaos and the rest.
For one moment she breaks and finally passes a test.

When You Realize

“If you could let the pain of the past go, of your soul. None of this is in your control.” ~Switchfoot 
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My soul is thirsty and my heart has been broken.
I am crying out to all the things that I believe will make me whole.
The bottle and the strength of self,
The songs of those not inspired by the True Love.

My soul is thirsty and my heart is broken.
I am fine in the mornings and then it hits as I wake.
A storm eating into the very being of me.
Knowing I am hurt a bit more than the thing that hurt me.

When you put your whole heart into something without God it will not last.
When you try and do it by yourself it will fall apart.
When the thing you are next to is being held onto a little to tight.
When you realize you let your past dictate the way you respond to the present.

All these realizations come in waves.
Yet here I stand still trying to do it on my own.
I need to relinquish control because none of this is actually mine to conduct.
I need to let the pain of my past go away and apply it to the next beauty that comes my way.

For I screwed up.
I was the problem.
I held tight.
Instead of letting myself be guided by the light.

My soul is thirsty and my heart broken.
It seems to be getting better everyday.
I am sorry to say that even Nintendo is not letting me stay happy today.
I need something more and a guiding hand from the One who gave it all.

This world will not do,  especially when it feels I am running from you.
Wondering if they were even ready?
Or if it was completely me?
Because that is my perspective all the way.

Get out.
Get out and leave my head.
Get out and let me raise my hand to thee.
Get out and let me see through eyes that can become clean.

My soul is thirsty and my heart is broken.
Hurting from the possibility that is now lost.
I must look to the Word that was spoken.
For this word is alive and breathing life back into my tired and thirsty soul.

In the end it was short.
But when you believed you have found it…
When you believed your hope was justified.
It hurts like it was a star burning out right before it could be truly bright.

This Ends Now!

Grit your teeth, pull your hair, paint the walls black and scream, ‘F*** the world, cause it’s my life, I’m gonna take it back,’ And never for a second blame yourself. Hold on tight, this ride is a wild one. Make no mistake, the day will come when you can’t cover up what you’ve done. ~All Time Low

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This ends now!

Awhile ago I was scorn and torn.
I was afraid of letting go, when the opportunity for another entered in.
I am drowning in a sea of my own making.
Well,  I vow to put an end to the madness.

This ends now!

Self deprecating humor that is also serious.
Not accepting that I am better than what I tell myself.
I am hurting those around me while I hurt myself.
And I must learn to pray before I open my mouth.

This ends now!

Little red flags pop up all around.
Flags that I produced without even knowing.
I recognize the problem and I fight to overcome.
I need to relinquish control and let my Maker guide my hand.

This ends now!

An apology to the ones that are around me.
An open letter to the answers that are before.
A set rule that I am putting into place.
Where my petty anger will not become my role.

This ends now!

Here it is…
This anxiety is nothing fresh, but the approach to dissipate it must ring new.
An approach that is better than testing.
An approach that brings together what is new and true.

This ends now!

I weep for forgiveness and hope to build from here.
I weep to enter into a new bond that does not equal a bash against myself.
For when I hurt me, I hurt you.
And that my my friend, my love, my family is something I never wish to do.

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It end here!

Left Field

“Some people feel guilty about their anxieties and regard them as a defect of faith. I don’t agree at all. They are afflictions, not sins. Like all afflictions, they are, if we can so take them, our share in the Passion of Christ” ~C.S. Lewis

A reactionary tale that takes advantage of moments and fears.
Longevity taken away and loving when love doesn’t want to come at all.
A reaction to a force unknown.
A snake devouring the innards of the human soul.

And here I am deciding to go with it or against it.
The snake coils a little tighter.
This snake turns into butterflies flapping into turmoil.
A gut reaction that makes no sense at all.

Interesting ideas play out in left field.
A dance towards foreseen circumstances.
And awards given to yourself because self esteem doesn’t have a place in you.
A worrisome moment when happiness is real.

Do I wish to maintain the facade of the cynic?
Or should I break free and show my optimistic side?
The case for comfort over happiness.
Familiarity versus the mundane self negativity.

Hello, is it time to answer?
Or should I keep asking questions?
Is it worth the time to try and fix what was never broken?
The snake decides to come back far to often.

This tale is taking its good ole time to end.
It unfolds and goes back time and time again.
The map always seems complete.
Until you decide to wake up from sleep.

What is This Knocking?

“We won’t stand for a facade.”
                               ~Say Anything

~What is This Knocking?~

My door is closed.
I have no intention to open this door.
Shut to the outsider,
Shut to the people around me.
Friends that try, fail.
Lovers who try, don’t make it to the door.
I have been burned before.
I have felt the sting that comes with friendship.
Surface level friendship is not friendship at all.
The real me longing for more than a smile and a hello.
Craving love more than food.
And hoping that one day I will open the door.
What is this knocking?
Who made it this far?
It continues.
It perseveres.
My door is closed.
And I have made myself alone.
Trying to love.
Trying for more.
A shut door is not a policy that works at all.
The real me has no chance to be, if I do not say hello to love.
Craving love more than this world.
And hoping for hope to open the door.
I am alone.
I am…
Where is the I Am…?
I am retreating back.
Beyond the darkness…I am.
There it is again.
That knock.
Again…again…
Should I go…go and maybe not be alone?
For surface level friendship is not friendship at all.
A shut door is not a policy that works at all.
Craving the I Am…and knowing that the knocking is from Love.
Hand on the knob…a creak…a light…
Hello…