Category Archives: clarity

You Go Around and Around

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Talking to the point of exhaustion.
Not understanding why you’re not listening.
It makes no sense these voices that are erecting a wall around me.
Why won’t you just let me be free?

This dance is one that takes it slow.
But when it does move fast, I am swept underneath the current.
A two step kind of night.
Where the sky meets the sea in chaotic harmony.

Voices in my head try to pull me away.
They try to confuse me into believing all of them.
Yet, I crave to hear only one voice.
A voice of hope, one that can cut through the darkness.

You’re still not listening to me.
You go around and around.
Playing Marco Polo with my emotions.
Entering into a rhythmic bustle that is busier than being alone.

These voices in my head tell me many things.
They contradict one another.
And they understand that they can win.
They know if I stop, they will take control.

But the truth is I will never stop hoping.
The voice I crave will come.
This test is going to end some day.
If it doesn’t then my whole belief is false.

But the voice has saved me before.
It has shown me love.
For the sword cuts deep, and pursues more than my brain.
It goes and penetrates my heart.

I am made clean every day.
I have a new shot every time I open my eyes.
A rebirth and a second chance.
Continually I fall to my knees and decide to breathe.

So listen to me.
Listen to my words.
Take this to heart.
You will not control me.

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Daily Target Practive

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I believe in a love greater than myself.
One that passes all understanding.
It cuts deep and reveals truth.
It shines a light upon my successes and failures.

A Spirit comes to defend my mind.
A hope that has decided to love me despite my doubts.
It moves through my body and soul.
And guides my words when I am in need.

Anxiety is a way of life.
One that has gripped me for years.
But one that I can overcome,
By the love that gives me peace when my head is fighting.

A glance to the left as I hear a bang.
Target practice on my heart takes place daily.
Love protects it, even when it hurts.
Love is there even when nothing seems to be going right.

So what do we do when the tides are coming to overtake?
When the water floods our supports?
We take heart and rely on Love.
We rely on the truth the Spirit has brought upon our lives.

For peace can come even in the storm.
It brings joy when no joy should be found.
Our supports get rebuilt, and then the sun comes back.
And we pray and thank God for another day.

What is in a Smile?

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There is something going on.
There is a muscle in my cheek that hurts.
I keep on smiling for no apparent reason,
But the problem is that I know exactly why.

My beaming comes and doesn’t end.
A simple hello, a song on the radio.
My head tuning into an emotion that isn’t recognized by my cheeks.
Thank God for the expression spreading across my face; with the hope that it brings.

I’m not used to this feeling.
A sparkle of sunlight hitting the edges of my lips.
Cracking open a smile that spreads to my chest.
Washing away the frost that usually makes its home on my heart.

Because I never learned how to sustain this feeling.
The one that says its okay to be happy.
Always hoping the day would come where I could look for the other side.
Where God shines down and I realize where the truth lies.

I have a  giddy look upon my face.
I look like a child entering into a candy store for the first time.
The colors spreading beyond the inner child.
Exposing the faults that have been lingering for a while now.

A simple phone call.
A text that is unexpected.
I can’t stop smiling.
A simple thought about a certain thing brings on this disease.

A disease that I never wish to be rid of.
One that is brought on by thankfulness.
One that is given through grace, hope, and a simple hello.
“Hey.” Is all that needs to be said.
And I answer that with a muscle that is not used to being used.

There is something going on.
There is a muscle in my cheek that hurts.
I keep on smiling for no apparent reason,
But the problem is that I know exactly why.

And I gotta say, I’m damn sure I never want it to end.

Religious Experience (Fireworks)

“I’m just a manic depressive. Toting around my own crown. I’ve got a positive message. Sometimes I can’t get it out.”  ~Brand New

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A religious experience through and through.
With the words of Brand New.
Jesse is singing, “I’m just a manic depressive.” 
Is the truth being told while I watch the fire overhead?

Fireworks explode.
The colors are shown.
I see the reds, whites, and blues,
But it is a different country that I pursue.

Is my world a contradiction that I call my own?
Or is it a search for a place that I think is my home?
A religious experience that isn’t necessarily one I knew.
The difference is, it is a mix of fireworks and Brand New.

I am looking for a color that is my own.
A game played between shades that I already know.
Experience dictating the feelings in my blood.
Spewing out like the sparks that start off small and spread out above my head.

These fireworks are memorizing the sky.
Sparking imagination.
Turning my eyes toward places that I never saw before.
While this music is playing in my head.

A gun shot is just as loud.
A boom like the fire against this night sky.
I am having a religious experience.
Even though I don’t have anyone’s hand.

“I’m just a manic depressive.” Those are the lyrics the song says.
The night a distraction, filled with lights, emotion, music, and religion.
So many colors light up the sky tonight.
So many memories colliding together.

When the music takes you and the scenery is beautiful.
It fills you up and takes you under its wing.
With a taste of wine and the breaking of the bread.
It is a religious experience that I just had. 

Do You Ever Look Back?

Do you ever take a look back.
Back in time to see the ones that loved you,
The ones that wronged you,
Or maybe the ones that should have gotten more attention?

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you went right instead of left,
Took that train instead of taking the other,
Gone back to the girl that smiled when you passed by,
Or jumped up instead of ducking?

I think that we all have times when we reflect a little too much.
Where we don’t hesitate to establish a connection to the past.
Or when we take a deep dive into what if…?
But I think that periodic trips are more useful than dwelling.

For your home is what you have right now.
The hearth is the heart that beats at the present.
It is not the dusty mantle where childhood pictures are toppled,
Or the open door to the portraits made from past regrets.

Do you ever enter into the future to check the past?
What about the present,
Is it too much to ask for a reprieve from where we are now?
Is your home as warm as it was before?

Do you ever take a look back?
Do you take a vacation to better times?
Do you regret the moment you didn’t take your life?
Is it hard to steer away from prior heartbreaks and spilled milk?

Take heart.
You are here right now, alive and beautiful.
Take heart.
Your home can be rebuilt.

Do you ever look back?
I sure do.
I believe that we all sometimes need to.
At least that is the case for me.

Do you ever look back?
Do you look for the now?
Do you look ahead?
Which one looks better to you?

Slow Down and Take a Deep Breath

“Future gardens from all this rain
Future flowers from present pain
We’re bound together and our lives are bound to change
You don’t know how beautiful you are. ”     ~Jon Foreman

Slow Down!

Activating prior knowledge to understand the things running in your head.
Damaging the psyche of your soul,
By displaying negative thoughts throughout your heart.
And despising what is underneath because you feel it is not good enough.

It’s interesting to point out that you make a mistake and then fix it,
But for some reason it just takes you back to a mistake further in your past.
I wish that you can overcome the mistakes that plague you,
To move forward and realize you are worth more than you know.

Take it into account that we are all human and are far from perfect.
We make mistakes and we pass it onto ourselves.
Time and time again we learn to answer questions we already know the answers, too.
But lessons that good, deserve to be learned time and time again.

Slow down and take a breath.
Put into perspective what is happening and what you are worth.
Don’t let your failures persuade you from who you really are.
Slow down and take a breath.
And remember that you have so many around you who care more than you know.

She’s in Love with Chaos

“She was a wreck. but he loved her. She was a wreck, but so was he.” ~Copeland

 

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It looks like a heartache waiting to happen.
When the phone hits the floor and she is left alone.
The other line dead and the voice has stopped.
And the drumming from her head is working harder than her heart.

She’s in love with chaos.
The ups and the downs.
The lefts that are actually rights, her mind begging to be found.
She’s in love with chaos.
The unknown, is the start of her disorganization alone.

Picking up the pieces and moving one.
Going from one phone to another waiting to belong.
Not trying to hard to sing a better song.
All she does is wait for heartache, to become her white and black swan.

She’s in love with chaos.
The deaf tones of awkward lies.
The messed up deliveries of sought after lines.
She’s in love with chaos.
With her mind, taking deep breaths and taking names that she must find.

Sectioned off and in the crowd.
Determined for more than a sour sound.
But not giving it enough effort or follow through.
The choice is hers, even though she’ll never limit herself to a few.

She’s in love with chaos.
The ups and the downs.
The lefts that are actually rights, marked with hearts waiting to be found.
She’s in love with chaos.
Heartbreak brought on, by late night phone calls and luck based falls.

She’s in love with chaos.
And the Lord knows…
That one day maybe her eyes will see the light being shown.
She’s in love with chaos and the rest.
For one moment she breaks and finally passes a test.