Category Archives: anxiety

The Art of Anxiety

“Our hearts, our souls, are shallow empty holes. We sing this anthem for us all…Oh, God we’re so alone. Just close your eyes and sing along…Let’s go. We are the lost souls.”

~Asking Alexandria


It comes upon you with no indication.
A feeling that grips onto your insides like a disease.
It hopes to knock you out.
It hopes to cripple you into your bed.

It is so hard to wake up.
To go about your day.
Moving seems to be a struggle with each passing day.
This bed is now my home…why can’t I let it go.

I extend my hand in front of my face.
I see my fingers are attached to it.
Turning and looking at these digits from all angles.
Wondering if I am capable of using them for something other than this bed.

A palpable depression that fills my room with smoke.
I choke and I cough.
I don’t get up because it is a relief to suffocate.
Until the world falls apart and you realize the day is gone.

I blink once or twice for a couple hours at a time.
I shift my weight to support my unwinding psyche.
My hand in front of my face.
My fingers and hands moving in a grotesque fashion.

A Gothic mindset of ghosts and haunted houses.
Running by sitting.
Thinking by sleeping.
This is the art of anxiety when the weather changes.

Do we feel alive when we try?
Prying and tearing at my insides before giving in.
Too tired to ask God for help.
This is what the art of anxiety feels like when it hits.

A canvas of mediocrity.
A pallet consisting of neutral colors.
The art of anxiety is one of complex minimalism.
Brush strokes that take the whole day to make.

It comes upon you with no indication.
A feeling that grips onto your insides like a disease.
It hopes to knock you out.
It hopes to cripple you into your bed.

But I was wondering…
Would you like a balloon?
It’s red and cute.
Maybe it will take you home?

Advertisements

Turbulence and Plane Rides

Hello. How are you?
I am wondering if it is okay to enter into this interaction?
To be honest and blunt.
To bring out a little bit of the bitter instead of covering it up with the nice?

You walk into a room and glance my way.
Never smiling always in disarray.
No, matter my words only half listening to what I have to say.
I thought we could be over this petty little game?

Snapping words when simple questions are asked.
Glares that come whenever I seem to laugh.
I am not sure you want to play this game,
But here you are deciding to do so for both of us.

Turbulence and plane rides.
Train tracks sputtering along.
Tight turns at high speeds.
Breakneck acceleration on country roads.

Slowing down to scowl.
Merging when to many cars are coming.
Try to be happy even if it isn’t your day.
Jut drive and do your best to stay in a place to pray.

Of course I am not perfect.
I let it get under my skin more than I should.
A bit passive aggressive to a fault.
But don’t worry…I’m working on it.

Hello. How are you?
Is it too much to ask that you understand some facial self control.
Reading you like a book.
But you know…I could be wrong.

Lock and Key

Photo 1

Sometimes I wonder if it would be better not to live forever.
When death finally takes me to go into nothing.
To find peace in the ending.
Finite and not infinite.

Sometimes I wonder things I shouldn’t.
But I guess that makes me human.
A man.
Flawed, but one day saved.

Sometimes I miss things that would love to find me.
A leech that breaches the edges of my skin.
Sometimes it seems right to give in.
When life feels dull and doing right seems wrong.

Under lock and key is a door to another world.
One where everything I know is flipped.
Where right is left and left is right.
But somehow up is still up and down, down.

The door easily found and the key not hard to find.
To enter is to see differently.
But not necessarily morally.
Sometimes it feels better to be in the dark.

Sometimes I wonder if this is the place where I am meant to be.
Taking refuge in a world that is against what I believe.
Easy, wide, and short.
Quick rewards, and quick thrills.

One that let’s me do all the things my flesh wants to do.
Early expressions with neatly wrapped packages.
Sitting under the lock and decorated with the key.
Oh, God… What is wrong with me?

Sometimes I wonder if it would be better not to live forever.
When death finally takes me to go into nothing.
To find peace in the ending.
Finite and not infinite.

But this feeling usually goes away.
How long it lasts is different day to day.
Sometimes it hurts to stay in the fray.
Especially when you all feel so far away.

Photo 2

Artwork By: Keighty Rae

Religious Experience (Fireworks)

“I’m just a manic depressive. Toting around my own crown. I’ve got a positive message. Sometimes I can’t get it out.”  ~Brand New

DSC_0020

A religious experience through and through.
With the words of Brand New.
Jesse is singing, “I’m just a manic depressive.” 
Is the truth being told while I watch the fire overhead?

Fireworks explode.
The colors are shown.
I see the reds, whites, and blues,
But it is a different country that I pursue.

Is my world a contradiction that I call my own?
Or is it a search for a place that I think is my home?
A religious experience that isn’t necessarily one I knew.
The difference is, it is a mix of fireworks and Brand New.

I am looking for a color that is my own.
A game played between shades that I already know.
Experience dictating the feelings in my blood.
Spewing out like the sparks that start off small and spread out above my head.

These fireworks are memorizing the sky.
Sparking imagination.
Turning my eyes toward places that I never saw before.
While this music is playing in my head.

A gun shot is just as loud.
A boom like the fire against this night sky.
I am having a religious experience.
Even though I don’t have anyone’s hand.

“I’m just a manic depressive.” Those are the lyrics the song says.
The night a distraction, filled with lights, emotion, music, and religion.
So many colors light up the sky tonight.
So many memories colliding together.

When the music takes you and the scenery is beautiful.
It fills you up and takes you under its wing.
With a taste of wine and the breaking of the bread.
It is a religious experience that I just had. 

But Here We Are

“This business is small victories. In a sea, in a sea of misery, well I’ll take a small victory.”      ~American Opera

You said that it was okay to let down your guard down.
When you came into my life and broke me to the ground.
You told me that this train would take me home.
You said let’s just get on and go.

But time has shown that what you said is not what you meant.
What you said is the traffic light turning red whenever we approach.
Every time the train is about to go straight you hit the switch to change the path.
Going to the left instead of heading right.

It’s not okay to come in and say that everything will be okay.
If it means that every time you look into each others eyes it is a lie.
A time waiting to end it.
With feelings and logic being tossed to the side.

But here we are.
Distant and filled with snark.
And not the kind that equals a laugh.
But here we are.

Of course it is a two way street.
It is both a push and pull.
But at this point I think it is better to just go.
Go and head down different one ways.

You said that it was okay to let down your guard down.
When you came into my life and broke me to the ground.
You told me that this train would take me home.
You said let’s just get on and go…

Slow Down and Take a Deep Breath

“Future gardens from all this rain
Future flowers from present pain
We’re bound together and our lives are bound to change
You don’t know how beautiful you are. ”     ~Jon Foreman

Slow Down!

Activating prior knowledge to understand the things running in your head.
Damaging the psyche of your soul,
By displaying negative thoughts throughout your heart.
And despising what is underneath because you feel it is not good enough.

It’s interesting to point out that you make a mistake and then fix it,
But for some reason it just takes you back to a mistake further in your past.
I wish that you can overcome the mistakes that plague you,
To move forward and realize you are worth more than you know.

Take it into account that we are all human and are far from perfect.
We make mistakes and we pass it onto ourselves.
Time and time again we learn to answer questions we already know the answers, too.
But lessons that good, deserve to be learned time and time again.

Slow down and take a breath.
Put into perspective what is happening and what you are worth.
Don’t let your failures persuade you from who you really are.
Slow down and take a breath.
And remember that you have so many around you who care more than you know.

Morning Sickness

“Every lament is a love song.” ~Switchfoot

He stands on the edge of his mind and his heart.
Largely distracted by what is going on around him, and what is going on inside. 
Which one will win?
He knows, but he doesn't feel like telling and one. 

A morning sickness that has nothing to do with pregnancy.
A sickness developed from opening his eyes and realizing he is alive.
Stricken to his sheets, the ones that feel like home.
For the floor is lava and o scary to venture into alone.

Ducking and diving in and out.
Avoiding the fire that's coming from all around him.
The gun sight is set to his heart and others to his head.
One good shot and everything goes away, from them or even from the one he is carrying.

But the truth is he doesn't want this to be the case.
I don't think any of us really do.
But sometimes this world seems to be too much, and all he wants is to be somewhere else.
With someone who will never forsake him.

He sits alone on the porch that looks out into the yard.
A storm is brewing and the lightening is coming at regular intervals.
The wind picks up and the trees start to sway to the beat.
Clap clap, bang bang, flash flash...boom. 

His funeral is tomorrow and not an eye is dry.
Closed casket in the morning and sandwiches with aunts in the afternoon.
"We should get together more often." They will say.
"What an awful way to get the family together."

Leaving behind the mother and the father.
A part of the world ripped away by one single act.
Friends that loved  him, now on the floor wondering what they could have done better.
Wondering what they could have done to help him fly...