“An altered state and an ending. No petty putrid pretending. Let’s band together and belt it out to the marrow they melted. You’ve got a finger, now use it. No need for ambivalent music.” ~Say Anything
This Moment is Lasting for Days
Whether or not I stay is up to somebody.
Whoever that someone is, has no idea it is them.
So why do I even try to understand the beginning, or even the middle?
Maybe I will pay attention at the end?
What is the point when all I want to do is fall down and do nothing at all?
When the inside of the covers equals the safety I feel I have never been showed?
A warm embrace of linens that hide the fact that I am not okay.
For when the monotony of it all comes, I just want to fade away.
I feel I am stagnating.
I am sitting here not stirring up trouble.
I’m not looking for more, or I am looking for too much as always.
I’m at a steady pace, that makes my insides ache a little bit each day.
At least that’s this week.
Maybe next week I can break the routine.
Understand the mission I am on,
And appreciate what God has given me.
As for who I am at this present moment,
I am not sure who he is.
A lover, fighter, a coward, a fraud?
Whoever he is the world is over there, while I am in a shroud that only I can see.
Eyes glazing, the world feeling larger and smaller at the same time.
Knowing a bit of what I want out of the future,
And being scared that it might get washed away.
God is it possible that you take my requests into account?
God, deliver me to a place where my heart has at least one answer.
Or a place where my head doesn’t white wash me and cover up any of the color.
God, slap me into submission because trying this hard is so exhausting.
But don’t make it easier either… let it be hard… let me know it is worth it.
Because getting out of bed is a chore that is born out of laziness.
And moving my legs is like doing 20 reps of something remotely heavy.
Take the glaze off my eyes.
Let me see what you put right in front of me.
I am not a man that discourages progress.
I am not a man willing to sacrifice his beliefs.
God, it is so hard, so hard to try, to believe.
While doubting is easy and it takes a hold of me.
A moment suspended in time.
A letter sent through time and space.
To a future me that has a voice to stand on.
Reading the note in reply from the future is where this all started though.
But even with this.
Even with the struggle.
Even with a moment that lasts for days.
I wouldn’t trade it for anything.