A Castle for One

“When the world stabs you in the back, the worst thing you can do is become indifferent to. There is no, ‘they’ no idiot brigade, only a thousand yous equally as bruised.”  ~Say Anything

boy-sitting-alone


A Castle for One


It takes some time to figure out what it means to be alone.
It also takes more time to realize that it is a harder to be with someone than being alone.
With a Father’s love that transcends both time and space.
And a moment that has been defined by the relationship of man.

Because I don’t deserve the Love that has been shown to me.
But here I am praying and singing.
Dancing for the one that says I can be okay.
For I learned that it is okay to be happy.

When the world is crashing down around me.
When the scars decide to show their ugly heads.
When I want to make mistakes more than I want to love.
That is when a guiding hand reaches out to say, “Son, you’re okay.”

It’s dangerous business when I am home alone.
A wandering eye likes to peruse the unholy.
The sin that grips my neck and tries to choke the freedom out of me.
Sins that are lovely for a moment, then decay and spoil the soul as a fee.

My hands twitch and try to grip an invisible hand.
To grasp the hand of Love, as mine turns into a fist that curses my Father’s name.
For it is so hard to accept the hand that is in front of me.
Even when He tells me that I am never truly alone.

Let’s enter into the place that my knees have built for me.
A castle for one, with a moat made out of tears.
A place that has no door to be knocked on,
Where the windows are boarded up so no doves can bring me an olive branch.

A darkness that spreads like a disease.
A tapestry that’s ripped into two.
Does that spell out a separation, or is it finished?
I have a chapel that is burning bright waiting for me to say my name.

A name that calls out to the One that I murdered.
I nailed Love to two pieces of wood.
I cursed him before I even entered the room.
And yet, here I am, and here He is letting me know it is okay to answer Him with a question.

Is it fine that I don’t have it all figured out?
Can I trust people who say that they can help me?
I think it is okay.
Because they have been put into this darkness to be a candle.

There is a light that shines when Love has engulfed you.
One that I miss so many times.
Can I please have some light to expand this castle for at least two?
Can I have a door that can be answered?

Father I want my time to be now.
I want to be filled up with less of me.
Take the stone around me and strip it of its integrity.
Even when I have a soul next to me… let me know that they are there.

For even when I am not alone I feel nothing.
I grasp for straws.
I make mistakes.
And then I light it on fire.

It takes some time to figure out what it means to be alone.
It also takes more time to realize that it is a harder to be with someone than being alone.
With a Father’s love that transcends both time and space.
I wish to glimpse a bit of grace.

And here we are…again…another day…another play.
What game am I playing when I am calling upon my Father’s name?
Can this happen when I am not broken?
Can I call upon the Creator when I am happy?

Is this sentiment okay?
I hope to hope that it is.
For I am just a man…a man that is still growing.
For I am just a man…a man who wishes to pray even when everything is okay.

My definition of being alone is relief.
It is pressure, and sin.
My definition of being alone is letting no one in,
Even when they are right next to me.

My definition of being alone…is one that I hope to redefine by the grace of yesterday.
A re-balance that I hope has the power to make me clean.
Defining rooms and taking names.
Breaking down the boards that surround…
Letting in some light to illuminate the darkness that has spread so thick over me.

Please Father take me down.
Stand me up.
Be my everything.
Even when I speak so ill about you and about me.

 

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