“If God is smaller than my fears, then He is not God. But it’s not just with our doubts and fears, it’s with so many other areas of our life as well. We think God can’t handle the truth of who we are so we make Him smaller than He really is.” ~Jon Foreman
You see, I am a man that is scared of God.
I am terrified of His voice.
I decide it is better to be stranded in the dessert than accept the water.
You see, I am fearful but not out of reverence but genuine fear.
That is not to say I do not revere.
He is my creator, my maker.
He is the one that gives me life and meaning.
Yet when I stare Him in the eye I must look away because I am scared what He has to say.
I am so aware of my own humanity that I forget that I have a man who saved me.
At the same time I never forget His love, I am just frightened that He will stop loving me.
Because I have no understanding of why He loves me so.
I am a lowly man that has more vices than good qualities.
I target my prayers to fix what is broken.
I lock onto a subject and ask for the answer instead of worshiping the man, my Savior.
For He is the reason I keep on trying.
Even when I fail and fall flat on the floor.
I try and I try but my way is not the same.
It is not the same as the One who gave it all.
I told you that this ends now, the anxiety, the hurt, and I meant it,
But right now I finally think I am ready to face my fear.
For God I am terrified of you.
I am scared of your love, of your forgiveness, of your loving-kindness.
I am frightened that a God who has no reason to Love me does.
I am so terrified I, but I am ready to look you in the eye and quiet possibly be a better me.
Locked into a different way of thinking for my own is failing me.
God I am on my knees, I am praying for more than an answer.
I am praying for my well being, my death, my resurrection, my reluctance to come to you.
I am a broken man and I know it.
I wish to breathe and to take your hand instead of wanting to drown.
I am too comfortable with my anxiety, my comfort of drowning in this tablespoon of water.
It gives me comfort to know that this pain is my normal.
But here I am Lord laying out before you to take me to a place where I have a comfort other than my own insecurities.
A child reaching out his hand through the thorns.
A child wanting to grow.
A face that senses the fear of the unknown.
A chance to let go and let the faith of the child shine through.