The Dream that Never Ends

“There is a part in everyday, where I lie to myself and say that it’s okay. ‘Cause if I don’t I think I’ll go insane, but the truth is I only have myself to blame.” ~The Spill Canvas

red-sun-purple-dream

I pinch myself to wake up from the dream that I have been dreaming every night and throughout the day.
The one that tells me that I may not be okay.
It is a dream where the protagonist is the antagonist, and the answer is hidden in another’s dream.
For my own is not sufficient these days.

I never wake up and I never let myself try to turn away.
Sleep is the constant that enters in like a poison.
Or goes down in my personal history as a conquering feat of strength.
The normal is never normal and the strange is a little to normal for my taste.

It takes a step backwards to see the path that I have placed myself.
But that path is  not the one that needs to be traveled upon.
The dream to my right, the one I have no control over is the path of love, by Love.
It answers me in my dreams the one that I never seem to wake up from.

Kindness is one side of a coin that I subscribe to.
Disdain is the other side and I don’t wish to flip the coin over.
I wish to throw it in a fountain making a wish that could turn into a prayer.
I wonder what side will be up when it reaches the bottom of the water?

I don’t mean to come off self loathing, but sometimes that is the only way for me to understand what I am even saying.
I would rather come off as hopeful and decide when I need to create a better persona for myself.
But the dreams that are constant do not let me have this luxury.
Maybe I need to take two steps back instead of one, or I need to realize that God has no desire for me to not like me?

Considering that I deserve nothing, but somehow I am loved speaks volumes.
And when the end is in sight since the day I was born, you would think that motivation to do better would come easy.
Sadly this is not the case.
For when I am down the dream withers and shows me the decay of the day.

I pinch myself to wake up from the dream that I have been dreaming every night and throughout the day.
The one that tells me that I may not be okay.
It is a dream where the protagonist is the antagonist, and the answer is hidden in another’s dream.
For my own is not sufficient these days.

“I’m stuck here wide awake in the wake of bad news. We know now what’s at stake, and I’m scared too. You know I can’t take naps cause they end in panic attacks. I can’t play video games cause I always end up depressed… Most days are bad days. We can’t wait for someone to pull me off of the concrete…I can’t believe I got this weak.” ~The Wonder Years

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