Orchestrating my Life


“Two blackbirds on a highway sign
Are laughing at me at four in the morning
They played the war drum out of time
So I’m not sure where I’ve been marching
I wanna be strong, but it’s not easy anymore
I’m hoping I’m wrong.” 

                                       ~ The Wonder Years


~Orchestrating my Life~

Here I am, a piano constantly playing in my head.
Am I alright, am I going to make it out alive?
Here I am, a drum beating to the rhythm of my heart.
Am I alright, am I going to make it out alive.

This is the way my mind devours the thoughts that enter it.
This is the way my body tells me something is wrong. 
This is the way I feel, when coming home from work at night.
The day will bring the day and the night will bring the morning.

It is 3 A.M. and I am up staring at the wall.
Pondering if I messed up?
Here I am dissecting the potency of my life’s trajectory.
Too cold for a blanket, and the thermostat can’t go any higher.
Personally, I would just like someone to hold.

Here I am the symphony of waves crashing into my ears.
Am I alright, am I going to make it out alive?
Here I am a steady stream of strings serenading my soul.
Am I alright, am I going to make it out alive? 

This is the way the call has depleted my strength.
This is the way my legs decide to buckle.
This is the way I feel, when coming back on a Sunday afternoon.
The day will bring the day and the night will bring the morning.

The night brings too much time to think.
The dark takes hold and ushers in over-thinking.
Is the water still flowing from the sink,
Where I get the drink to try and overcome my restless soul? 
Personally, I would rather have someone to hold.

Did I do something to deserve this loss?
Did the sunrise forget the wind?
Did the sunset forget its colors?
Did the night sky forget to tell my story?
Did I forget to thank the stars?
Did this world decide to play a cosmic joke?

This is the moment where precipitation falls in a movie.
This is the moment where the band plays a c-minor.
This is the way a story is supposed to unfold.
The day will bring the day and night will bring the morning.

I long for understanding.
I long for solitude from my own mind.
I long for this mini pity party to end.
The pathetic nature of my own personal worlds’ smallest violin.

Strength and courage are a luxury to me.
Trying and failing feels like the norm.
The bad days seem to outweigh the good, even if I do not feel sad.
For hope only takes me so far.

But I still pray for a day where my hope pays off.
A day that does not forget to bring colors to the sky.
I pray for a night that is filled with star light.
A night that shows me signs to illuminate my way. 

All I want is someone to talk to at times like these.
A person who is there for me and I can be there for them.
A person to help transform and reform the matters of the heart. 
Personally, I would just like someone to hold.
Personally, I would just like someone to love. 

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